Monday, 8 September 2014

So....

So I arrived back from my trip on Tuesday night.  I was physically exhausted from two days' worth of travelling and I barely managed to shower, eat some cereal, and collapse into bed.

Didn't sleep well, tossed and turned, but was still able to get up bright and early the next morning to head to work.

I feel like I looked and felt a little rough, but I was there and it was great to see everyone.

I got lots of hugs and the weather was sunny and the day was great.

I felt pretty disoriented and strange being back and it was hard knowing that I'd gone through this experience that had shifted my perspective and feelings about myself and my life and to come back and see that everyone else was just where I had left them.  Stagnant.  Odd.

I rushed over to Jason's after work, and after I babbled on a bit about my trip and basically said "I don't know what to say or think about it all." things didn't continue to be awesome.

Jason's life kind of fell apart while I was away.  And Jason told me that he needs to not be in a relationship right now.

This pretty much blew me out of the water and ripped what little normalcy I had out of my grasp.

We both still love each other, and he wants to still be friends and spend time together (although as he's struggling through everything that's going on, it may not be that much time anyway) and I just don't know what to think.

It's terrible timing.  Or, at least it was terrible timing, it's been a few days now, but that first and second day after he told me were not good.  I pretty much called in sick from work and lay on the couch "watching" bad tv.

I do not at this precise moment in time want to talk about it.  Nor do I need any whispers in my ear telling me anything even if it's meant to be helpful, supportive or whatever.  I just didn't want to not say anything because, well, my mind was pretty mushy post trip and that just turned my thoughts into jello.

It's Sunday night as I write this and I've managed to do a few loads of laundry, and just today got my bins sorted and cleaned and I'm just about to put my sleeping bag into the drier.

I'm not sure I've been taking very good care of myself since I've been back, but I'm hanging in and coping and I'm just a little dazed.

I had a good trip, as smooth as could be.  Imperfect, but that's the beauty of it all.

I hope you're all well, and your lives are good and solid and stable and that you are taking care of yourselves and that your lives didn't fall apart while I was away.

I'll see what I can get around to writing, but even the nitty gritty of the trip will take me a while, and probably would have even without the Jason complication.

So, yeah, I'm home, I'm pretty discombobulated and feel like I'm rebuilding myself in a good, but slow moving kind of way here.  It's all good.  Ish.  You know?
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