Monday, 23 February 2015

Wound

Wednesday was the individual ticket sales for Burning Man, and while I was lucky and got tickets, my stress level is shot.

I did everything I could to stay calm before and during the sales, telling myself there was nothing I could do to make it happen or not but it was tense.  Tense and stressful and then when I was done and through and had been lucky enough to secure tickets (one for me and one for a girlfriend of mine who wants to come for the first time this year) and heard that Natalie had gotten two tickets as well and so she and Connor would be coming this year too (which is a relief as well for travel and camping support) I was happy and relieved but then saw all the anger and upset and negativity online about all the people who hadn't gotten tickets and it really upset me.  A lot.

I would have been devastated if I hadn't gotten tickets; if none of us had.  I know this.  And I know it's very much luck of the draw and that makes it unfair and I guess one of these years I might end up without a ticket and that will be upsetting, but it just strung me out to hear so many people mad about the situation.

And then I looked at what would be going on my VISA bill (the exchange rate is not helpful right now) and I just kept worrying.  I'm very concerned about my finances right now and I feel like I'm stuck in a hole I put myself in and need to take myself out of with some painful choices.

And then Jason called and asked if I could loan him some money and I sat in a corner of my bathroom and cried.  Because I really felt like no matter what I did, I was going to lose.

I'm going to continue tightening up my budget and I'm going to ask my parents if they might be willing to help, even a little.  This is hard for me.  And then I'm going to have to stop giving Jason financial help.  Which is probably my biggest emotionally stressful secret of once I started to make that choice, I couldn't stop kind of issue. 

I mean too well sometimes.

So it was a stressful rest of the week, and I haven't even really managed to process and be happy about getting tickets and Burning Man because I'm still stuck feeling like I don't have the ability to pay for it all... because it ain't cheap.

I guess this is one of those breaking points...tipping points, and I hope things will start to change, but the joyful overnight change of a lotto win or something is probably not going to happen, so I just have to know and understand that this situation will be around for a while and I just have to keep chipping away at it and being kinder to myself and letting others fight their own battles.

It's hard.  And I don't really know how to talk about it.  Or want to exactly.  I don't know.
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P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.