Saturday, 4 July 2015

A Mumbled Confession

I hung out with that guy again.  (Vaguely complex story about him asking Jason for my number and Jason saying it wasn't his info to give out and telling me this and me going "oh" and telling Jason he should have and then anyway, yeah.)

We decided to go for a walk and sit at the beach and yes I had that nervousness that comes when I do something unfamiliar or go to spend time with someone I don't know well and that is amplified when it's a guy and a guy who some part of me has decided there is dating type... potential or something.

So I was all tightly tied up inside myself but trying not to be and we sat at the beach and talked about big things and I'd told Jason we were going to hang out and he said cool... say hi... don't think too much, you're just two cool people going to hang out.  Oh, and don't talk about exes.  No one wants to hear about that.

Right.   I tried.

We talked and somehow got on to the topic of exes and it just got not fun.

I mean, it wasn't bad, I think the conversation just triggered some stuff for him and it just felt unhappy and then I felt bad that it felt this way and didn't know what to do with myself because I wasn't feeling comfortable and I don't know this guy, really, and new people are confusing because you don't know them and you don't know where they're coming from or their moods or energies or anything and I just want easy and calm in my life.

He apologized, insisted on walking me home and we hugged and parted ways.  I felt bad.  Bad because we had gotten into topics of conversation that had made us both feel off.  And bad because I was already uncomfortable with the time with a new person and we weren't even particularly going on a "date" and now I was like what am I supposed to do or think here and why is it so complicated to be human sometimes?

I just want people in my life who are calm, loving, gentle, peaceful.  Jason hasn't had a lot of that lately.  I want a male in my life who has a similar calming affect on me that Jason has at times and that Jay had when we were in the same space.  I suppose I thought that magically hanging out with a cool new person would instantly give me that feeling of calm and got an obvious reminder that it doesn't work that way.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that I don't know him.  We don't know each other.  And on top of that, I don't let new people into my life particularly easily and I'm cautious and overthink and I don't know what "gut" to trust right now with people.... men in particular.

So anyway, I have no idea what I've said in this post.

Except that he texted me the next morning to ask me out for breakfast.  Which I declined because of the whole "not wanting to eat" thing.  And maybe a bit because I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone after my emotional week and the uncomfortable last little bit of conversation with him.

So TL;DR?  Hung out with a guy.  He's imperfect.  *shrug*


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Men are really no different than women about most things except men seldom take as many things as important as women do -at one time- and that is usually, in my opinion, is what causes men and women to look and act differently on some of the most simple objectives and even in conversing about the same thing. To be calm with another is actually, again in my view, the ability to actually leave gaps un-answered, unspoken and un-talked about, because the mere thought of filling everyone of the topics a person covers in light conversation -so to speak- is seemingly like trying to paint an entire picture all in one setting (without touch up) and then saying, 'Well, there, that is done, complete and even fulfilling.' No, to me, the ability to maturely accept what hasn't yet been answered, means -like the european movies- one is digesting a slow food meal, acquiring insights from oneself to allow elaboration on at some further and future date of intimacy communicatively. Completely developing then -what could become- a fully blossoming relationship of ins and outs conversely and slowly emotionally every moment the two share into each other's thoughts; emotions and in what they individually bring to the value of that relationship...even, maybe, for the long term.

Saturday, July 04, 2015 4:42:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I hear you. Had to read it a couple of times, but I hear you ;)

Saturday, July 04, 2015 10:15:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

-It's not as clear as i wanted it to be...sorry: i was on my way out at that moment, yet i wanted to tell you that not knowing everything is sometimes a good place to allow yourself to feel calm too, because you have to have gaps all along the way in every relationship and finding out is always an ongoing part of sharing and growing together; secondly, a slow and emotional fulfilling relationship wants to move slow, because the two know they have the time...lots of it; so the value you appreciate in another person is based on they're readiness to accept you unfolding at a certain pace and they're unfolding what and how they feel also at a certain pace; it a walk of cadence, so to speak.
-Acquiring insights from oneself and the other person along the way, in a rhythm that _makes_ a good bonding.
-This is more of the way i wanted to say it: not necessarily slow, but it is a calm process, as to say, 'in tune with the other person and yourself.'

Sunday, July 05, 2015 4:39:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I get that :) Thanks!

Sunday, July 05, 2015 4:40:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

"why is it so complicated to be human sometimes?"

I think if it was easy, anything could do it!

Monday, July 06, 2015 9:16:00 am  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Speaking as a guy, most of us don't think nearly as deeply as you are. I'm generalizing, but we tend to be in the moment and not to over think things/conversations, etc. If he texted you for breakfast the next day, he must of enjoyed your time together enough to see you again. That's the main thing to remember.

I completely understand what you say about only wanting calming, level, peaceful, and gentle. I think we all want people like that in our lives at many different capacities. Life is stressful enough without having other dramas added to your life.

I hope it works out for you.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015 5:22:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Good point Jason! Gave me a chuckle ;)

I'll keep working on making my brain shush more E :)

Tuesday, July 07, 2015 6:46:00 pm  

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