Friday, 14 August 2015

Shy Isn't Quite The Right Word

In the last month or two, Jason has taken me to a few different photo shoots.

Now, they weren't photo shoots in the America's Next Top Model kind of way, they were community events that he had been asked to shoot at and was taking me along so I could also take some shots.

But every time, I got nervous.

Shy isn't quite right, I just get all caught up in my head thinking about will I get in their way, what will they think of me (probably not positive thoughts, my head tells me) will I annoy people or, I don't even know what.  I could probably have told you more accurately what bothers me if I'd written this right before or after one of these events, but it's a feeling of knowing I'm not in my comfort zone.

Like, if I threw a party at my house, I'd not be worried at all taking photos.  Having my camera before C-Dawg's wedding (while we were chilling out) I wasn't worried about taking photos.  But take me to a concert in a bar?  Not only do I not know anyone, I don't know the space or the crowd or how to make my camera take shots in this particular light and how do I get the shots I want without getting in someone's space and ugh.  It's not fun.

I'm sure the only way to get over that feeling of it not being fun is to just keep doing it so I've gone with Jason to most, if not all, of the events he's asked me to, and because they've always been people he knows and/or is friends with, I've always felt ... out of place.

And on top of that I keep trying to explain to Jason that while they're not trying to be exclusionary, I feel excluded.  He can't expect me to go spend time with people he knows who all know each other and are sharing whatever interest we're there to celebrate (music, bikes, cars, whatever) that I will just be part of the crew.  It doesn't work that way.  They're new people to me, we're not friends, doesn't mean we couldn't be friends or wouldn't be, it just means we're strangers.  So we're strangers, and I'm only there because Jason's bringing me along and we're pointing cameras at people and things, which not everyone likes and there are social things happening to which I don't know the expectations or whatever, and they're all happily hanging out together and I feel like the kid at the dance no one asks to dance with because they just legitimately don't even know she's there.

Which is fine.  I don't want to be noticed as a photographer, I want to be able to blend in, so it's not about that.  It's just... it always makes me nervous going in and I can't really explain why.

Maybe I don't think my presence there is adding anything?  Like, I know Jason will get good shots, but I don't believe that I will so I maybe head in feeling like a tag along or something.

I always do fine, and Jason always says that people liked me but I'm just saying it's not something I enjoy.  You know?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

-To be quite frank here: 'When isn't someone a stranger in this world or found to be one at time?' (Ie. I don't quite think your view -on being somewhere the other person might be more familiar with-is sincerely representative of one other single person on the planet here, because, in fact, everyone _shares_ this feeling...mutually.) - J. -Just listen to what you've said here:
"Maybe I don't think my presence there is adding anything? Like, I know Jason will get good shots, but I don't believe that I will so I maybe head in feeling like a tag along or something."
-Doesn't that sound a bit strange, if you hadn't written it/

Friday, August 14, 2015 11:05:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'm not sure if what I've written sounds strange, even if I try to read it as if I hadn't written it but perhaps that's because I know what I'm trying to say, even if it's not coming across.

Friday, August 14, 2015 4:23:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

-You seem to want to claim that you are shy? -Well, I guess these postings -from way back- will make one very good book, as the record for a hidden history of 'your individual' (so to speak0 will be well hidden behind the pages of what you were trying to get across. Have you ever really stepped out without retreating: ie. taken on something you had to complete and at the cost of having really put yourself out there?
-Just a question.

Friday, August 14, 2015 5:33:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Have I ever taken on something I had to complete at the cost of having really put myself out there? I would say yes. Have I ever really stepped out without retreating? I think so, yes.

Remember, this is my space to vent and ramble, not all my thoughts make it here. I keep quite a lot to myself for better or for worse.

Friday, August 14, 2015 5:36:00 pm  

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