Thursday, 22 October 2015

A Change. A Truth. A Confession.

Two weekends ago, I had a bad weekend.

One of those bad weekends that you come out of the end of it and realize you need to make a change, or there's just going to be repeats of this weekend and that's not ok anymore.

Two weekends ago, I got myself into a bad state of mind.

I got upset about missing Max and my thoughts snowballed and spiralled and I tried to talk myself out of it but it just got worse and I talked to my brother and I talked to C-Dawg and somehow it just kept getting worse and Max wasn't available, which meant I couldn't talk to him about it and so I sent him an email.

From that bad state of mind.

Because it seemed like the only way to get myself out of that state of mind.

And Max called me that evening and asked me how I'd gone from zero to sixty-panic-all-is-bad in the span of a couple of days and I realized... I didn't know.

And because Max means so much to me, what he said struck home.  I make up a lot of problems in my head that really aren't problems.  Or I take things that are small concerns and I think about them enough until they're BIG IN MY HEAD.

And I don't want to do that anymore.

I don't want to believe the thoughts I think anymore.  Unless they're good ones.  Positive ones.  Happy ones.

I know I get stuck in my head.

You guys know (I'm sure) that I can get stuck in my head.

I don't want to anymore.

Sure, I could say that it's anxiety or worry, but you know what?  I don't care.

I don't want to have another weekend where I end up feeling that upset and that distressed, and I'm willing do to the work to change that pattern and those habits, because I think sometimes they are.

This is something I need and want to do for me.

I have some ideas of what that looks like, and I'm aware it may not be as easy as I'd like it to be to change years of thought process patterns but I don't want to sit and be stuck in my head like that anymore.

I feel like I'm an addict coming out and saying I want to come clean or something.

Hi, I'm Victoria, and I want out of my head.

"Hi Victoria"


Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Stopping that mine cart before it drops you deep into that black hole of anxiety worry is a good thing. How you get there is, I think, a very personal thing you need to figure out for yourself. (The mine cart is my personal metaphor for the process of heading into a dark place, not a literal mine cart. If that wasn't clear.)

Therapy helped me. I haven't completely stopped ended up at the bottom of the mine, but it happens a lot less often now, and I can often recognize the irrationality of the moment and use that as a way to essentially climb out. I don't know what options you have in that vein, but you should explore them, because living in the dark places of your head is no fun at all.

And I'm glad Max called and talked with you. It helps.

Thursday, October 22, 2015 11:28:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks for the clarification, I was picturing the Harry Potter mine cart... when they go into the bank I think? (Or did I make that up)

Glad you have ways to deal with your... mine cart... I'm working on that on my end too, thanks.

Thursday, October 22, 2015 11:48:00 am  
Blogger Happydog said...

oh yes anxiety feeds on itself doesn't it? I agree it's such a personal thing finding what works for you. BUT many years ago a therapist suggested visualizing a huge STOP sign in my head when I realize I'my creening out of control. I know, I know it sounds overly simplistic but you know there were times when it actually worked. It was like rebooting my brain. Recently I've been reframing the anxiety by actually saying out loud "I'm not anxious I'm excited!" And for whatever reason that seems to reboot things for me too. And then I go do something :) Glad you got a chance to talk to Max too!

Thursday, October 22, 2015 3:18:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

No, I know the idea of the stop sign and I try it but... yeah, it's hard. But thanks! :)

Thursday, October 22, 2015 7:38:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

I'm glad you've recognized this and are trying to figure out how to stop it. I know when I get like that getting out and getting some exercise helps a lot. Usually the more vigorous the exercise, the more it helps. I'll put my earphones on and go for a 30-40km bicycle ride, or to the gym for a good hour of cardio...seems to help a lot.

And I'm glad Max called to help you.

Friday, October 23, 2015 5:01:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah, exercise is one of those things I KNOW I should do when I'm ugh, but it often feels too overwhelming... which is frustrating :) 30 - 40 km? I can't even imagine doing that ;)

Friday, October 23, 2015 8:53:00 am  

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