Wednesday, 7 October 2015

Wednesday (ish)

I think it was Wednesday that I woke up and I was not feeling well.  (It could have been another day, as I said, I didn't have journalling time as my evenings weren't spent alone in my tent recalling the day, they were spent happily hanging out with Max and his friends or snuggling happily with Max and his super soft blankets.) 

I have a hard time not feeling well in general and especially around a boyfriend type person but I really wasn't feeling well and I think Max would have had to have been blind not to notice, so I told him I wasn't feeling that good and he asked me what he could do.

I said I wasn't sure but that I needed to pee but didn't feel like I had the energy to go all the way to the potties but I thought I should and he said I could use their camper's toilet and sorry if this is TMI but the colour of my urine was not anywhere near the colour urine is supposed to be and that made me really worried.  I didn't want to worry Max, but I told him I was pretty sure I was badly dehydrated and he jumped right up and brought me some cooled coconut water.

Now, I am not a fan of coconut water even though I know it's good for you and has electrolytes and I could barely stomach the stuff he brought me but man oh man, I swear I could feel it seeping into my body as I forced it down.  He went and got me another when I told him that had helped and even though I was still rather worried, I knew I didn't have to go anywhere and that Max would take care of me.

Which... to me?  Is a really big deal.  It's a big deal that I felt safe and it's a big deal that I felt he would be there for me and not abandon me to whatever might be going on.

The coconut waters helped and we took it easy until I started to feel better, but man oh man, that was a scary moment... realizing that I hadn't taken care of myself, hydration wise, and that my body had noticed.  I guess all those "rules" I made my first year, dealing with the heat, about always having water on me and always having electrolytes in my drink and never leaving the camp without my water and making sure I was drinking all day... I guess those rules were there for a reason.  Not to be overly obsessive.... but to be healthy.  I can also see how people do get unwell on playa.  I was (other than a few drinks in the afternoon) sober.  I know people do use drugs out there and it's not that I didn't hydrate at all, it's just that I didn't hydrate that well, or that carefully. I was distracted by Max, my routines were thrown off and most of my routines are to keep myself healthy and well.  So I can imagine someone being not-sober and not hydrating and their body just... well, not doing well.  So lesson learned... hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.  Even if you've met the most wonderful man and can't think of anything else because being around him makes your brain goes mushy.

I checked in on Connor and Sarah at some point that morning and Sarah was having a bit of a rough go of things.  First year is tough, and she was still tired, and missing her husband, and feeling a little lonely and not feeling comfortable being a "third wheel" (as she put it) with Max and I.  I apologized and we talked it over and I explained that she was more than welcome to hang out with us and Max and his camp but I also know how she must have felt and I felt badly that things weren't gelling better for her with the situation as it was.

I told her I was worried about my health and explained the not so good colour I'd seen that morning and she said that maybe it was all the vitamins I was taking.  I said that could have had something to do with it... maybe... and I told myself to relax... that I wasn't going to die... and that I was going to manage my fluids better no matter what. 

She wasn't sure how much she was enjoying things and I think was contemplating leaving, but we talked about how the two of us could spend more time together (her coming to get me from Max's in the morning for breakfast as I would wake up there with no sense of time and had missed a few breakfasts) and how I could support her in enjoying herself but also letting her know I would support her whatever she decided.  We promised that no matter what went on this week, whether she stayed or left, it would not affect our friendship, and that was the most important thing to me.  But I was also honest and said that if she didn't want to hang out with Max and I for whatever reasons, I couldn't promise I'd see any more of her than I had in the last day or so.  And, thinking back, I'd spent most of Monday and a lot of Tuesday with her anyway, so perhaps it wasn't *just* me being "away" that was getting to her.  As I said before.... first year is frigging tough and the playa is rough.  Day three playa grumps are a real thing.  And coming in with little to no sleep?  Well, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Because I have no clear delineation of days from now on, I'll just say that Sarah decided to stay.  She woke up the next morning in a better headspace and I'm very happy for that.  I do feel badly that I sort of abandoned her and I wish we'd had a bigger talk day one about Max and how much I wanted to spend time with him and I completely understand how she must have been feeling. 

I remember last year thinking about how much I missed having someone I knew there.  And not Connor, a close person.  And so when Sarah said she wanted to come I was happy and relieved; I knew I'd have a "person" there.  And when Sarah described how she was feeling on Wednesday I could relate... it's how I felt last year.  Alone in a place where it can feel like everyone knows everyone... except you.  And that everyone has their friends around them... except you.  And that you have to be this social butterfly and some of us just... aren't.  And missing your partner.  I know how she must have felt and I wish she hadn't had to go through that.

But I also tell myself that each burn has always been just exactly what I needed, even if it wasn't easy and so why shouldn't that apply to Sarah?  Maybe this burn was exactly what she needed right now, even if she didn't know it at the time.

But still... I have a hard time letting people down, but in this case, my connection with Max was so perfect and so amazing and good that I couldn't help but be with him and near him and next to him.  That's one of the things I explained to Sarah.  That not only was she welcome to hang out with us (it's not like we were snuggling in bed at any time other than bed time) but that my feelings for and about Max were beyond "just a hookup" (which I'm sure some people assumed we were) and that I had this limited amount of time to spend with this really incredible man and I honestly had to use that time as best I could. 


Anonymous Elliott said...

Dehydration is scary and sneaks up on you so quickly. I can't imagine how fast it would hit in that environment...I know how quickly it can happen walking the golf in July heat, must be so quick in the desert.

Sarah must have been enjoying herself enough...she stayed. That speaks volumes. While not probably exactly what you both envisioned, doesn't sound like you let her down completely. And you're allowed to have fun too...I know that's hard to accept sometimes.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015 1:07:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I think it was a good reminder to me to always be hydrating in the desert no matter what. Even if I think I'll be fine or even if I'm distracted or whatever... push those fluids!

And, you're right... I have to remember I'm allowed to have fun too. Thanks for that, E. :)

Wednesday, October 07, 2015 6:43:00 pm  

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