Monday, 18 January 2016

A Child

If this blog was a human (wha?) it would be a small, or maybe not so small, I don't know these things anymore, child.  It would be an almost ten year old.  What is that... grade 5?  6?  My blog is a middle schooler?

Which somehow makes my brain slide sideways to the number of guys I've dated who had kids.  There have been more than a few, which I suppose happens once you hit a certain age.  Or something.  But there was one guy I didn't date, partly because I didn't quite get around to seeing him that way, but mainly because he had a daughter.  Who, I think, was five at the time and it was a huge deal to me.  (His relationship with his ex was also very difficult but I digress)  Now, I think about it and that little girl must be at least out of high school.  Maybe off living on her own.  What would that have been like, to have been with that guy and that girl all this time?  And maybe now it would be just the two of us and what would that be like?

My counsellor asked if I was a bit of an existentialist and I was at a loss for an answer.  I don't think of myself as prescribing to any particular school of thought.  I don't think I feel like I've ever dived fully into something enough to give myself a political or religious or philosophical label.

I don't want to start getting into musing about labels now either.  The one I've put on myself so clearly for the longest time is the one that's attached to my work.  The one that's almost old enough to start thinking about driving.  The one I don't talk about here because it's never seemed wise to talk about work but that is such a source of what's spinning my head around these days, which... hard to write.

I don't read through my archives as much as I might have thought I would, but when I do it's an.... interesting experience.  I read through my first year's trip to Burning Man, trying to remember how on earth Jay ever knew where to find where I was camped.  I still don't know, but re-reading through that brought back just how scared of the trip I was and just how terrified so much of the travelling down I was and that made me sad, because I'm still held down or held back by fear a lot.  And the way through that is, of course, scary. 

But as children do, this blog has grown.  I'd say grown up, but opinions may differ on that.  But it is not the same and probably will continue to grow as time goes on.  Changed, perhaps.  Which should be proof that people can change too.  Should change, really. 

Hopefully for the better.


Blogger Happydog said...

Happy Birthday blog! I have journals from many years past and rarely read them. Though it might be interesting to see what if anything has changed about me.

Monday, January 18, 2016 3:42:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I kept my old journals for a while and started to read through them to see if I had anything I could turn into a poem or something. Found it very upsetting to see my seemingly repeated hurts and patterns. I burned them.... hopefully releasing those patterns and thoughts.

Monday, January 18, 2016 9:00:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

I think your blog and you have grown leaps and bounds in the past years. I don't know how I stumbled on your blog, but I've been reading for a couple of years and you have certainly changed and grown in that time.

I hear you about working causing you to spin...I'm right there with you on that one.

I'm one of those unusual people that have only had one significant other in my life. I met her when I was almost 30, and she had 3 kids (1.5, 3.5, 5.5 years when we met) and a ex that was out to ruin her and us. Fast forward 18 years and all three kids are doing super well at university, the ex is out of the picture, and we're empty nesters. I couldn't have imagined being an instant dad to three kids before I met her and now I can't imagine my life without them. Funny how life turns out sometimes.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016 1:38:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I really appreciate hearing that you see change E. I don't tend to always notice it myself being right in it. Which can lead to frustration that should actually be ... pride?

And yes, so funny how life works out.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016 6:53:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Yes, pride is a good word.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016 5:45:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Wednesday, January 20, 2016 6:35:00 pm  

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