Saturday, 5 March 2016

Craving

So sugar.

I decided to have a couple of sugar cookies around Ballytimes day because they're actually very yummy (for gluten free) and I figured it was ok.

But I can say quite honestly that it did make me want more sugar, which is probably why this week, when buying groceries, I also bought some bulk chocolate covered raisins and those healthy type gummy fruit things (you know, the red and dark red ones!)  I figured they were "healthy" sweets and I wasn't caving or anything, I was actively choosing to have some sweets since I didn't need or want them, it was a choice.

So I had them.  And it was kind of that mindless shoving into my face sort of eating.  Followed by wanting more a few days later.

I didn't finish the (much larger) bag I got the second time because I was finding it upsetting that I was stuffing my face and not really wanting to just NEEDING TO, but then for the next few days I was back to that point of just not caring.  Of not caring that I'm reducing my sugar, and didn't eat any at all for a month or so.  I didn't care, I just wanted more.

Fought with myself for a couple of days... just... screw it, go to the store and buy something, it'll stop the craving, and it'll feel good and taste good and just do it, just go, you deserve it, you're grumpy and it'll cheer you up.  V/s, well, you could go get some but that will just extend the craving and wanting more and then you might end up back where you were and you didn't think that was such a good place, and so on and so forth and all I want(ed) all that time is to eat some damn sugar.  A chocolate bar.  Some candy.  More of those cookies, WHATEVER, JUST GIVE IT TO ME AND GIVE IT TO ME NOW AND DON'T STOP.

Sigh.

From an "observer" point of view, it's interesting to see the chemical and how it can really take over and so insidiously.  And it can also be a sigh of relief that I don't have an addiction to something much more damaging (although there are many studies that show that sugar is incredibly damaging to the body, I'm just suggesting it is not as damaging as, say street drugs or the like).

From an "I'm in the thick of it" point of view it sucks.  Because WANT.

Le sigh.

I may be an all or nothing kind of person with sugar after all...

It just likes me far too much.  


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