Thursday, 14 July 2016

It's True Though

I'm still really bummed by how Max has handled everything.  Or not handled everything more to the point.  This drives Jason bonkers as he feels I should just "get over it" or "stop thinking about him already" or something.

Which, sure.  Fine.  That'd be great.  Just... magically, poof!  No more thinking about him.  Done.

I think it's partly due to the seemingly out of nowhere 360.  I so very much want to believe that what we shared meant a lot to us both because that's what we both said (and felt) at the time, but... how could it have if he so completely and utterly wants nothing to do with me now?  I don't understand.

I know of at least one other couple in their camp who have split and are still managing to hang out together (even if it makes one of them uncomfortable) and I would honestly have expected Max to be mature enough to handle that.  Were I a different person, I'd be ignoring his request that I "not even visit" and I'd be camping with the camp and enjoying the company of all the other people I met there.  As it is, I'm pretty soured to the whole scene, which is really too's not their fault they haven't seen the other side of him. 

And I don't want to attach horrible names to him or write him off as a bad person because of how strongly I felt positive things for him and how caring he was while he was.

I know I'm "supposed" to see this as his wounding and all that jazz about how it has nothing to do with me, but it still hurts and it still confuses me and it still leaves me feeling ... unhappy.

I have to pause here, because as I'm writing this, I can hear what may possibly be several drunk men singing some kind of song... only a few of them on key, but I'm happy they're happy and that makes me smile.

I wish the days would stay this long forever, by the way.  Things feel a whole lot easier when there is daylight all day.


Anonymous Jonathan said...

I think you're tremendously brave - returning to Burning Man, if he's going too...

Thursday, July 14, 2016 12:40:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks. But also meh. *shakes my fist*

Thursday, July 14, 2016 9:22:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I kind of get it, the not getting over it part. It was so out of nowhere, and it raises so many questions that will never be properly answered. And I think you will eventually move on but still ponder on it... just with less and less urgency. But it is confusing, not just to you...

Meh. *shakes fist*

From your past stories out of Burning Man, I'm hopeful you'll have more transforming experiences.

Thursday, July 14, 2016 10:54:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

So out of nowhere, yup. Glad I'm not the only one it's confusing to.

I hope so too. I'll probably write more soon... just gotta get some more writing energy going.

Friday, July 15, 2016 9:03:00 pm  

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