Saturday, 12 November 2016

Not Good

We got back to my place somewhere around one in the morning.  And I remember feeling angry.

I'd asked Jason to water my plants while I was away and I went around checking them and they felt light (as in "dry:) so I aggressively watered them.  I remember thinking that.  "I am aggressively watering these plants because I am SO mad and Jason didn't water them right.  That's probably funny... somehow."

Jason stood and watched me and I don't know if I was mumbling or what but I watered my plants that were WAY TOO DRY.

And then I started to talk to him.  Or at him, really. While I paced.

I tried to explain what it had been like.  The noise, the feeling, how awful it was and how not ok I felt.  All of it.  I tried to explain and he tried to listen but at a certain point he said "Victoria, I'm really sorry, but it's two thirty in the morning and I'm trying here, but I need to go home and sleep."  And that made me angry but I understood and let him head home.   And I don't really remember what I did.

Did I unpack?  I probably showered or took a bath.

Oh, I'd checked my messages when Jason was there and had a freakout about a couple of them and yelled at him for that....

But yeah, I don't remember when I got to bed or to sleep that night but there certainly was no sigh of relief that I was home... not like you'd expect or hope for.

I could re-read whatever I wrote that month and piece it together, but my recollection is that I was not ok.  I think I was still in shock and then slowly coming out of it, all while trying to function like the adult the rumour is I am.  I don't know that I was particularly kind to myself but I like to think I wasn't all that harsh either.

I slowly told people, like my parents, and assured them I was ok and would figure out whatever (the van... the money, the debt, my stuff) but there was a week or so where I really did nothing.  And then another were I didn't do much.  The whole thing had exhausted me.  But things settled slowly, and I adjusted slowly and I even got to a point where it didn't freak me out too terribly to write about it (hi!)  But man, that was so not what I signed up for.  Not at all.

Not the drive and all that horror, and certainly not the near death van issue on the trip home.  I tried to be positive about things, and I was and life kept happening and hey, the time change still is weird, eh?

So... yeah.  Burning Man.  2016.  Happened.  More on the way there and back than anything else, but yeah, it happened.  *hugs self*


Duffy said...

Wow, just caught up on the whole trip. You overcame so much (i'm sure it felt like you didnt have a choice at the time), but i think youve done amazing to get through it all. *hugs* glad youre home safe and sound.

Victoria said...

Thanks Duffy. Ditto to all you've said :)