Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Um. Ouch?

So I've talked a little bit (both then and now) about how my life sort of fell apart two or so years ago.

Saying it "fell apart" is a bit of an exaggeration because I still have all my friends, my loved ones, my car, apartment, job, and so on.  So no, my life didn't really fall apart but I think I'm at a place where it's honest of me to say that I did.

Some... perhaps many of you saw it coming for a long while.  I remember a commenter a few years back suggesting it sounded like I was depressed.  And I was mad at that.  Because I've been depressed.  Many years ago.  I was treated for it.  It was awful.  The treatment, that is.  So awful I said never again. 

But when you say "never again" and then don't work SUPER F*CKING HARD at changing how you ARE... it sneaks back in.  And while depression is a familar one for most of us.. and a sister to sadness or hurt or seasonal affective or whatever... anxiety?  That's a whole other ball game and one that was new to me when it slammed into me at 100 mph September 2015.

I can mark the start of my extreme anxiety back to that month, because I came back from the bliss of Burning Man that summer... very much in love with Max.  (Not 'madly' in love with him, mind you, just calmly, completely, happily in love.) And I went back into work the next week and bam.  My "life" as I knew it fell apart.  And nothing has been the same since.

I thought about it the other day and if I look at the two years since everything changed, I feel like my first year was just me sitting there half stunned going "how/why?"  I felt like that frog in the boiling water story.  You know... how if you put a frog in a pot of water and then turn the heat on it will not jump out because it doesn't know how hot the water is getting because it's so gradual?  (But if you tried to plop it straight into a pot of boiling water it'd just jump right out.)  That.  So my first year since "running into the brick wall of anxiety" was me going... woah.  Wow.  W.T.F?  I must be that frog, dude.

The other day I came up with the analogy of how I feel now. 

You know how sometimes when you hurt yourself you have the moment of the cut/bump where you don't feel anything and then you look at the cut/bruise and all of a sudden (seemingly out of nowhere) IT EFFING HURTS!!!!  You know that?  I feel like now I'm at a point of realizing just how much this "cut" actually hurts and how badly I am "bleeding."  You know?  So it's like I'm now re-stunned by how I feel and have felt.  Which is why I've sort of been only managing to post "I'm not really much more than ok."

Because yeah, on paper?  I'm fine, y'all!  Job, apartment, car, friends, etc. etc.  I am SUPREMELY lucky, I really am.  Well... lucky and hard working, because not a whole lot of this just fell into my lap... I worked for it and earned it, I really did.  But still.  I am aware and grateful that in the grand scheme of things I live a very blessed life.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  So on paper, I'm good.

But inside?  Nah.  Not... not so much.

So I'm sitting here staring at this metaphorical cut realizing it hurts a whole effing lot and I should probably get me some stitches or something and uh... that's a lot of blood pooling on the floor.  Whoops!


Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I'm glad you're realizing you need to do something.

It is weird, isn't it, how like 80-90% of everything can be fine and you can somehow get through each day ... but that 10% that isn't fine just sits under than veneer of normalcy, beating you up.

I hope you start getting some metaphorical stitches for that cut.

Wednesday, December 06, 2017 11:14:00 am  
Blogger kandijay said...

You are beautiful and amazing. I just want you to know that. Thank you for being open with this, because it's a struggle more people are familiar with than anyone really realizes.

Anxiety and depression, at least my experience with them, act differently every time I experience them. And what worked to make it better before might not work this time. Like a chronic illness, or heartbreak.

And thanks for the hugs. Sending them back to you, my Canadian soul sister.

Wednesday, December 06, 2017 1:53:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Jason :)

Thank you Kandijay and that's a good point (that they may act differently) Hugs.

Thursday, December 07, 2017 1:07:00 am  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Thank you for trusting your readers and posting this. I'm glad you've recognized something wasn't feeling right with you. I hope you're able to get some help that isn't as painful as prior times. Most importantly, take care of yourself and get better. Wishing all the best in your healing process.

Thursday, December 14, 2017 5:46:00 am  

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