Monday, 27 January 2020


I turned a five this year.  (And yes, that means I have a January birthday, not that I'm weird with math and forgot it's only the start of a year!)  And although I purposely never mentioned my age when I started this blog, I'm mentioning this particular birthday because I think I realize I might be one of those people who is more impacted by "five" birthdays than by "zero" birthdays. 

Like, I remember when I was little, and I think I've talked about this before, but I remember thinking that by the time I was twenty five I'd be married with a kid or two.  That was the age that seemed like "grown up stuff".  And then I turned twenty five and had a bit of a freakout because I wasn't married and no kids and, well, I was scared of how old I was with "nothing to show for it" so it's like I had what some folks seem to have at fifty (?) at half of that.  And after that no other birthdays have upset me in the same way.... I think?  But it feels like with this one I'm determined.  Like, ok, I'm halfway through a decade here (even though everyone else is all like yay 2020, new decade!) and in five more years I will be (?)0 (30? 40? 50? 60? 70?  Y'all, what if I'm a 75 year old blogger right now?  Nice!)

It possibly also has something to do with my best friend being diagnosed with cancer, and Jason and my brother both getting very sick last year (not sure I talked about both of those....) and realizing that we're all aging, and that health can't be taken for granted anymore (not that it ever should have been) and so while it's less of a "now or never" kind of feeling it's more like a... ok, now.  What have I got to lose anymore?

Maybe it's nothing to do with having a birthday at all and just the confluence of things going on around me right now and where I'm at mentally and all of it, but whatever the reason it's here and I'm going with it.


Jonathan said...

I've been in similar places - more regularly than I usually admit - wondering how the hell everybody else seems to have everything together, and how I'm struggling the entire time. But then you realise that they really don't have it together - they're just better at pretending than you - and then you realise that everybody is making it up as they go along anyway...

Victoria said...

So true