Thursday, 25 June 2020


Last week, although I haven't made time to talk about it yet, I had a couple of appointments - my first in months.  Calculated risks, I suppose, and perhaps not wise.... but, yeah.

And yesterday, I had my first thing I had to do that I really didn't feel entirely comfortable doing.

I had to go to the bank.  It was something not doable anywhere else but in person at the branch and the whole thing stressed me out, to be honest.

My bank only has so many branches open right now so I walked to the one downtown.  That was my first anxious making thing as I've been avoiding downtown since March.  When I go out for walks, I've been sticking to places with not much foot traffic and large areas where you can go around people if need be.  Going "downtown" is a little different as there are far more people and less space to... space.

So once I got to the more populated part, I put on a mask, but my current "am not a doctor or virologist" understanding is that that does more to protect others than it does to protect me, so I still did my best to distance from people.  But that stresses me, to be that alert...

Then the bank had the distance line lineup outside, which was... ok, but sorry to whine, I then got hot.  I'd guessed at the forecast "30% chance of showers" and not dressed for hot weather and so I got a little warm, which, unfortunately, also bumps up my anxiety.  Plus I haven't been around that many people since the pandemic reached us.  So I was uncomfortable, but trying to listen to my music and go with the flow.

Once I was at the front of the line, I went to put on one of the gloves I'd brought (to keep my potential ick from touching their stuff) but because I was hot, my hands were sweaty and well, the glove got stuck like not even half way through and then I felt stupid so I just kind of tried to keep working it on and pretending like I didn't care that I had a glove not really put on my hand.  (Sigh)

When it was my turn, I got up to the plexiglass shield and I took my mask off for a moment and said to the guy "um, well, I'm taking it off so the cameras can see who I am" and he was like yeah, good, thanks or something, but I just thought it was the proper thing to do in a bank since, you know, not a bank robber...

I find it hard to talk through the mask and be heard and although he wasn't wearing a mask, it was still a little tricky to hear him properly but long story short, they weren't able to help me, so I have to head back today and I'm not looking forward to it.

I think that's part of having anxiety.  Or being anxious, since a lot of folks are finding these days more anxious making... it makes things that shouldn't be difficult a lot more challenging.

I'd avoid it if I could, but I can't and that sucks and I just wish my anxiety would leave me alone so I didn't completely overthink the whole thing.  (Like the bank has asked that the first hour... when I'd like to go... be reserved for the elderly and those with compromised immune systems, and well, I kind of have a compromised immune system but not seriously so so I don't feel like I should go in that time but quite honestly I'd like to not even think about it and either just go or not go and not care.  Sigh)

So, yeah.  I ventured out last week and it was ok, but my venturing yesterday was not my favourite.  Ugh.

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