Tuesday, 20 October 2020

Yeah, No

I am not in a good space this week.... right now.

And it's kind of hard to explain it?

I talked to Jason for, I dunno, ages?  An hour?  Two?  About "all this" and I still can't even really tell you what I said or what my biggest issues or concerns are but it's like a whole bunch of things happened around the same time as the "digital art mess-up realization" I had and I just kind of... feel done?

No, not suicidal, I'm fine there, really, but just like... I dunno.  Very much "why should I bother"?  But even that's not quite it.

I've got some life stuff looming that has been forced upon me (as life tends to do from time to time, no?) and I have a call about it coming up this week because WE CAN'T MEET IN PERSON ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS F*CKING PANDEMIC.  (sorry) And since that call was scheduled I've been super super grumpy.  C-Dawg asked if I knew why I'd been extra grumpy when I responded with "AM GRUMPY" for the fourth day in a row to her "how're you doing?" text.  Yeah I said... mainly this call.  So I'm already low and stressed and unhappy and miserable and then this f*ckup with my digital pieces... all 700 of them?  And all the thoughts I had about maybe trying a website and trying selling prints?  And all the energy that went into stressing about that and wondering what sizes I should offer and what materials (paper prints?  metal?  canvas??) and always in the background wondering a) how big I could print them and b) how to find that out without spending a crap ton on test prints and now BOOM.  I messed up.  I just did a thing and then I liked the thing that I kept doing it and I never really knew? to check out what exactly the basis of it was and I guess this is part of the learning curve with digital art (never having taken a class in this stuff) because when you work in regular media (paper, canvas) YOU ALREADY HAVE THE SIZES RIGHT THERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  And when you go to make prints they ask you what size and there are standard sizes and that's just that so while these programs do often start with standard paper sized pieces I was trying to make them square and granted I was using an old laptop that was limping along so maybe I reduced the size so things would function better but whatever the reasons I'm at a real impasse and man oh man do I ever want to burn something to the electronic ground and wipe all existence off the face of... the... uh... digital?

So there is all that and then at the same time there is the doom that naturally seems to come with this time of year, exacerbated by the pandemic and shorter, darker days and then I finished up a show I've been watching and the ending just got to me and I cried and cried and cried and "no one loves me like that" is where my brain settled and so all of this came up within like a day or half a day and I just woke up like... no.  I give up.  Not sure what I give up, to be honest, but I give up.

Why should I bother trying to fix the size labelling issue on these digital pieces.  Because I've stupidly  convinced myself some day someone will buy some of this art and so I should be able to easily find it to have it printed, etc etc?  Yeah right, grow up.  Like, I get that that part of me is being harsh to ... me, but I don't have a spark of "I CAN DO EEET!" to fuel me through.  Not right now anyway.

So,  I'm here.  Confused as to what I even think/feel, and confused as to what I do and don't want to do/not do.  You know?

Just... take me away from all this shit.  Really.

But, not?  Because panic.

So, yeah.  Oh, also PROVINCIAL ELECTION HAHAHAHAHA cuz we really needed that right now, you know?

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