Friday, 4 December 2020

A Hard One

Sometimes when I go to start a post, I'll do a search on the blog to see if I've talked about it before, and if it was recently.  The search function is not awesome, but it generally gets a hit and I go from there.

The point of this post was to talk about my weight and how it's seriously stressing me out right now and when I did a search for "weight" turns out I've been talking about it, and unhappily on and off for ages.

Which kind of makes me sad...  that's a lot of time to not like the body I live in.

I know people joke or talk about having put on quarantine weight, but I didn't.  And then I did?  Really suddenly?

I usually weigh myself every once in a while and if the scale goes up at all I tighten up my eating and stuff and it goes down.  I'm usually playing with a few pounds here or there, and yes, sometimes I "lose" or "gain" two pounds overnight and that's just water weight or whatever, but this time I started avoiding the scale.  I don't really know why, I just had an aversion to it that turned into an anxiety about it.

So there were maybe two maybe three months there where I didn't keep a close eye on my weight and so when I did finally push myself to step on up there, I'd gained nearly 12 pounds.  Holy sh*t.

I panicked.  Like, really.  Because it's not like I'd been eating really terribly all of a sudden.  I hadn't been great since Spring  - all those Oreos and such but... not 12 sudden pounds worth?

I'm going in today to get a few things checked blood work wise.  Because it could be hormone or thyroid or something else related but the sucky part is that while weight is easy to put on, especially as you get older it seems,  it is not so easy to get off.  Especially as you get older.  Sigh.

And it's not like I'm comfortable with the gym right now, as much as the place near me has tried to adjust to make it safer, it's still outside of my comfort zone.  I've been trying to go for more walks, but that has its own issues.... like random pains that show up and stab me, or trying to fit it in, or trying to make sure I'm warm/dry enough in whatever weather the late Fall is bringing.  And sure, that's probably whiny of me... 

I've tried some workout videos too and tried to push through the misery I feel while attempting them.

I've cut back on buying "junk" type food and sweets but nothing has made a dent yet and that is stressing me out incredibly.

I don't think you can tell from the outside.  I mean even for myself my clothes all still fit and all that, but when I got into the shower the other day I'm pretty sure I saw a belly that I've never seen before in my life and I am horrified.  

Which is not a healthy place to be.

I would love to be confident in my body no matter the size/weight/shape, I really would.  And I'm working on that.  But man if it isn't bringing up all sorts of mean self-talk... 

When a certain kiddo turned 17 the other week, I found pictures to send to them and my brother and sister in law.  And I was honestly stunned at how thin I was in those photos...  nearly 20 years ago.  And so this has not helped my psyche at all because I thought I was SO fat then, SO SO fat and now I see evidence that I absolutely was not.  And here I am again finding myself SO fat... and I'm afraid that I might not actually be.... but that I won't know it until 20 years in the future and what a waste that will have been... 

Of course I want to lose weight.  Probably mainly for reasons of vanity.  But I do also know that having less weight on helps the body in a number of ways from less joint pain to easier functioning for organs and it's just better to be in that healthier weight range.  I would love to be the weight it used to say on my driver's license, but I don't think that's realistic, so I have a weight I think is realistic for now - about 20 lbs lighter than I am right now.  That's still not "skinny", but it's within a better BMI.  And I don't know if I can get there.

I can not flip my brain to accept that this current weight is my new weight, I just can not.  So I've got a lot of anxiety and upset in my brain about it all and things are already pretty stressful so it's not helping.

So I'll start by seeing what my blood work says.  There was a medication change a few months ago that I do wonder about weight gain from.... and there is my thyroid situation that may need tweaking.  But adjusting anything hormonally won't make the weight fall off.  I kind of have to do that myself and I'm not sure I"m going to be able to and that is stressing me out a lot lot lot.

How I look is a hard thing for me to talk about.... and my weight is something that has always upset and stressed me out.

And I wish it weren't like that.

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