I'm fine, pretty much, but very overwhelmed and so my days right now are on the level of "coping" and doing the things that absolutely have to be done and that's about the limit of what I can manage.
And yes, it sucks.
There's also the reality of a few weeks of not blogging and therefore being out of that habit and pattern and finding it a real struggle to try to push back into it, especially when.... see above.
America is imploding, but not, but very much so. Vaccines are... I don't even know, happening but not but they are. Covid is still rampant and not good and frightening and unsettling and everyone everyone everyone has opinions and thoughts about what should be done or how it's being handled and I'm exhausted by it, personally.
My new sandwich neighbours (one above, one below, they're the bread I'm the filling!) are noisier than their predecessors and it's setting off anxiety attacks (not really sure why?)
My parents are aging. During a pandemic where I can't see them in person (beyond outside at a distance with masks on, weather dependent, in winter.)
I'm having to deal with work related things and... that's so stress filled I can't even. Which of course means money stress and yeah no.
I'm sure I've had times like this before, but maybe it's been long enough that it's just that unfamiliar. Or maybe this is worse or I don't know, I really don't.
Just... not much calm right now and it's wearing on me. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to explode or lose it and other times it feels like I just need to ride it out. I don't know... and I think part of it this time is I'm not sure what the most stressful/anxiety producing thing is. Like previously I'd be able to tell you oh X set me off and now I'm upset about ALLLLLLL the other things, but this time it feels a lot more nebulous so like I'm less able to figure out how to calm myself?
Am I really that anxious about what may come out of the states? Is that setting me on edge more than anything? And if so, how do I disengage? Is it ..... leftover stress from the holidays? Is it Covid? Like, who's the culprit here and I'll try to sort it you know?
And it's hard not to be hard on myself, not to tell myself that this is all my fault for not being strong enough or working hard enough at being "ok" or whatever other thing part of my brain tries to complain at me about. I'm babbling, I know that. I also keep closing this page and then thinking of something else I want to say and uh yeah... happy Monday? D'oh.
(No need to worry, am venting, it's ok.)