Tolerances

Further to yesterday's post, I know I have a low risk tolerance level when it comes to exposing myself to Covid-19.  I know that and I'm ok with that.  Am I wrong to be so cautious?  I don't know and I don't really care all that much.  

I have friends with higher tolerances, and they've been understanding (at least to my face?) about my, for example, not wanting to go into a restaurant to eat.  I appreciate their understanding and willingness to adjust without complaint.

I was horrified, last year, reading the reports out of New York and other places that were already heavily hit.  I am still horrified when I hear survivor stories and the lingering issues some are having post Covid "recovery".

Am I overly anxious about this?  Again, I don't care.

I care that I'm overly anxious about a lot of things, and I am working on those things, but this?  I know it will conclude in some way... at some time and I know I have expanded my tolerance bubble already, so... yeah.

I remember how extreme my fear and caution was at the start of our lockdown.  I felt like every surface might be a potential contamination spot, especially the places not in my own home.  I was extremely mindful about not touching my face with hands that hadn't recently been washed, and even then, I was cautious.  I washed my hands very often, and I avoided touching things outside my home.  I remember the early days and spending time at Jason's and washing my hands after touching the stair railing because there was no way for me to know if it was safe.  And washing my hands after using the washroom and then needing to use something else to unlock the door.  I'm a little less strict these days, although some would tell me now is not the time to "let down [my] guard".  I'm imperfect at washing my hands immediately as I walk through the door now... I'll take my jacket off and hang it up first, but this is in part because I know what I did or didn't touch when I went out (usually for a walk) and I am fairly sure I'm "ok".

I still carry my handkerchief with me when I leave my apartment, and I use it on door handles and using handrails.  I wear my mask every time I walk through my door now (since our mask mandate) so it's always on me now, even if it goes in a pocket when I drive or am walking alone outside somewhere.  I remember days early on when I would be about to go somewhere and I'd realize I'd forgotten my mask, so in some ways having our building management putting up a "masks required" sign has been helpful.  Although I now have a mask permanently in my purse (in a clean container), and some disposables in my car as well.  I keep thinking about a future time when this is done and past and finding a mask and gloves somewhere and wondering what I'll think.

I think some of us on this island have been feeling like we're in an island bubble because our numbers have felt fairly low.  I always just think that the numbers we see are the known cases.  The cases that were tested and found.  Not the asymptomatic carriers.  Not the folks who "had a cold" and didn't bother to get checked.  Not the cases that came and went without notice or attention.  Do I think everyone is carrying it?  No, but I am aware that's a possibility.  Do I think the vaccines will "fix" everything?  Nope, and neither do the authorities.  So no, I don't know how this ends.  Or when.  Or, perhaps, even if.  Do I think my risk tolerance level will change over time?  I would imagine so.  Perhaps it will go up, or down... depending on circumstances and situations and how the other members of the society I live in handle things.

It's so easy to get doom and gloom.  I know many folks have hit a wall this last month or so.  I know it can feel endless and hopeless.  I also know that it used to be all consuming.  I couldn't look away.  Even though I needed to.

This has been weird.  And hard.  And troubling.  And challenging.  And awful.  And sad.  And difficult.  And unusual.  And I wish there would be a massive moment of IT'S OVER! But... here we are and to use a phrase my Mom says is "what people say when nothing is ok"... it is what it is.