A Regret

I was driving home the other night thinking about things... as happens sometimes.

I was thinking about this pandemic.  And about my mental health.  And I was wishing that I hadn't been afraid to write about them here.

I think this came up because recently as I was dealing with the ongoing flickr/blog photo replacement thing, I ended up coming across my posts about the solo trip to Burning Man I took in my van and I had kept notes at that time and was able to write about the trip and how it felt and re-reading all of that brought it all back to me and I was able to remember, very clearly (possibly too clearly, wow) the things that happened that my mind had let go of and I found myself wishing I had that same remembering available around other things.

Like the decline of my mental health and onset of the anxiety as an overwhelming thing.  I really really wish I had written completely honestly about that at the time so that I could look back on it now and either see how far I've come, or give my past self hugs and compassion for having gone through all that.

I know in part I didn't talk about it much because I didn't know how to talk about work things that were messing me up without naming the work I do, so I just avoided the topic all together.  And I wasn't well, so maybe making words make sense wasn't within my capability.... I don't recall.  But I wish I had something more to look back on.  I'm kind of bummed.

Same with the pandemic.  Sure I wrote about it.  But I know I was trying not to cause hysteria or upset and so I was mindful of my words and what I put out... and again, right now I wish I hadn't.  Like I wish I had a more honest first person account to look at, you know?  

I don't know if my thoughts here will change anything because I still want some anonymity and I still don't want to reveal much more about myself or my life and I don't really want to "spread" my anxiety... if that's a thing...

But I dunno.  I wish I'd kept that online diary of a few more things more real.  For myself.  Trying to keep things low key and semi private/anonymous has meant not talking about a lot.  And I suppose I'm having a moment or two of regret about that.