The social media place I hate the most has a "memories" feature where it shows you what you said/posted in previous years. I used to always say, well I've only been on [site] for a couple of years but time passes as it does and now it's been way too many years... but I digress.
Memories brought me this post from August 2015...
"There are lessons being learned and boundaries being pushed but growth isn't necessarily meant to be easy now is it.... looking forward to seeing where this all takes me."
I remember what a busy Summer I had that year... a family cruise trip, C-Dawg's wedding, meeting Max, going to Burning Man to meet Max in person, one of my dearest friends coming to Burning Man that year, and the massive stress and difficulty the last year of [workplace] had given me and yeah it was a busy, and as it turns out, overwhelming month...
And three months later everything fell apart. I had some holiday time for Burning Man and I met Max and we were completely in love and I came back to work and it was beyond awful and I wasn't coping and my body started to not handle what I now know was panic attacks and panic disorder and massive anxiety and then things with Max, well no, things with Max were fine until they all of a sudden weren't and he broke things off (despite having planned us a December/Christmas trip) and just days before he broke up with me (on Halloween), I'd felt him struggling so held off a bit on telling him I'd been pulled from work by my doctor and my life was hell and so I remember parts of the phone call and letting him off the hook "you probably just want to get off this call now" because I really thought we'd talk again soon and I could ask for some clarification or closure or something. I remember him saying he "just needed time" and there being this assumption on my end that we'd still be friends or friendly and maybe even manage the trip in December just not as a couple and then he ghosted me.... or whatever version of ghosting "refusing to ever speak to again" is. (Even though he did respond to my email the next August where I asked about camping at his camp and he forbade me to even visit ... like what?)
Anyway... that memory came up and it was back in my phase where I really really thought I should only be super positive and "good" on social media and when I look at the phrase "looking forward to seeing where this all takes me" I don't know what to think because it took me to what turned out to be just under 6 years off of work and absolute misery and less of a life than ever before.
And, sure, I can be philosophical and say "I don't know yet where it took me because it's still in progress" but right now it doesn't feel like it took me anywhere good.
4 comments:
I remember reading your comments on this situation and can't believe it was that long ago. I know this has been very difficult for you and your pain is evident in your writing.
I really hope things start moving towards a better spot for you.
Thanks. The time has been really odd, glad it's not just me who can't believe it's been as long as it has.
I could probably tack on an extra year due to Covid or something... plus Covid time is extra weird so yeah.
The Before Times.
There's a reason "may you live in interesting times" is a curse. :/
Still, you're still around after 6 years!
I've taken to grumbling "May you get what you deserve" at people because, hey... only a curse if you're a poopy person! ;)
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