And you guys are always so supportive... at least out loud, and encourage me to write whatever I need or want but I also know I have gotten tired of reading blogs where they just seemed to complain all the damn time.
But... maybe that's just me. Not wanting to read how I feel or something. I'm not one to consume negativity exactly. (She says ironically after reading some news headlines and scrolling through social media and feeling pretty crappy from doing so.)
I should explain.
See, they... we? they're/we're going to try me doing some part time work starting next month. Which... you know, is only a few weeks away (as much as I'd like it to be OH SO very far away).
So I am incredibly stressed. Nay, anxious AND stressed. I am overwhelmed with anxiety about the all of it and so my mood is rarely calm and pleasant.
When I stop distracting myself (aka stop binge watching old shows I've already seen... hi Grey's Anatomy, how are you, I really don't like you much past season 3 but here I am on season 9. Again. Ahem.) I stress. My brother(s) will check in on me and I wish I could say I'm doing fine but I'm not and I usually have to respond with some version of "it is what it is" or "I'm alive" because I DO NOT WANT TO WHINE. I don't want to be the person who is only ever complaining but you guys I am the person who is only ever complaining right now. I just am.
It's Summer, so it's warm. Or hot. And this is hard on me. There's a pandemic. STILL. And I'm still anxious about it but also quite worried about where it's headed in the next... while. And these two things alone are probably more than enough to allow for some grumpiness but on top of that my brain is still broken in ways I'm trying to rewire but I'm also really scared about work and trying again and money and oh, you know, THE REST OF LIFE!
So... I'm sorry. I apologize. I might be really not all that positive for the next while. If I'm not anxious I'm angry. (It's a weird anxiety response that I do not like.) If I'm not angry I'm crying. If I'm not crying I'm low/down. I have moments of happy, for which I am incredibly grateful but I also ping pong around a lot when I stop and realize things are approaching. And all that that means.
I know I regret not talking more honestly and openly about things when my life fell apart so perhaps I'll try to be more open about this next portion/phase, but also I'm still going to try to keep my work situation as private as I possibly can so my anxiety will probably not want me to talk about things like the fact that Jason took me on a drive to my new location (remember they're changing the type of spy-work I do... double remember I'm not really a spy.... unless I am and then I'll have to wipe your memory with that glowing pen stick thing so shhhhh.) and I hated the drive. And now I'm way more stressed about it than before I only had a vague idea of where it was.
So... yeah... I'm sorry, and I get it if you end up tuning out for a while. I'll do my best ok? But I might be really grumpy and complain-y and, yeah. Sorry.
6 comments:
You have absolutely no reason to be apologizing. This is a forum for you to get your thoughts out, for better or worse, and hopefully help you feel better.
I wish you all the best and hope things look up for you in the near future. Virtual hugs.
Thanks.
I IS GRUMPY!
Not to sound condescending or trivializing your situation, but at least you are feeling something and you recognize that. I would much rather you not feel grumpy, but I think it's better than not feeling or being numb to feelings.
I hope you feel better soon; even it's baby steps away from grumpy to whatever is closer to content on the feelings spectrum.
Well fair enough :)
As Elliot said, no apologies.
Also, being aware of all this and knowing it's an anxiety response is much stronger than just assuming this is "normal" and not dealing with any of it at all.
So grumpy or not, sorry or not, please keep this up.
Anxiety is stupid. STOOPID I TELLS YA.
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