Sigh

So last week was awful.

Just an awful week.

I'm through it (obviously...) so some of it has slipped out of my mind, but when I was in it I know it was particularly bad.

To be honest, I probably should have stayed home at least one day there, in fact, I've put in to stay home for today but I didn't.  I went in all the days I was supposed to last week and it nearly broke me.

It wasn't one specific thing, it wasn't even really "anything"... and sure, that takes some explaining I guess...

Early last weekend I ate something "buffalo" flavoured.  When I mentioned that to Jason he said "oh, buffalo flavouring always messes with my stomach" but I just kind of shrugged and gave it a try (I can't say I knew what the flavour was although now I know I've had it before... wings somewhere.)

My stomach was fine after dinner and into the evening but that night it wasn't super happy but I figured I'd sleep it off.  Well, the next few days weren't delightful, physically.  I can't for sure say it was the food/flavouring but I assumed it was and that it'd go away (the pain/discomfort).  But... it kind of didn't.  It wasn't the worst, it wasn't like food poisoning, it was like I'd eaten a bunch of gluten (I hadn't) and a bunch of other stuff my system doesn't like (I don't think I had?) but I suppose I could have picked up a bug???

I don't know, the stomach stuff wasn't really the main issue but it certainly didn't help.

At workplace, I've been overwhelmed since I started, but these last couple of weeks the overwhelm shifted to me just feeling like I'm the worst spy in the world and I'm doing the worst possible job of it ever ever.

So on, I think Tuesday?, I had a panic sort of attack in the morning before work, but didn't feel like I could call in (for many reasons) and so I pushed myself to go in and the whole time I was thinking I really shouldn't be there oh and hey being in a pandemic adds this extra layer of fear/guilt of "what if I have Covid and am spreading it right now I shouldn't be here..." so that didn't help. (And is a whole other post).

So I pushed myself through that day and then the next and then I told my counsellor I was baked fried and then on one of my not work days (remembering I'm only part time) I had appointments and I was panicking at my counsellor's that I had to do those things so I chose to step back from and cancel those I could and honestly that helped.  I kept my flu shot appointment (yay!) and then I didn't let myself do work at home like I've been doing this whole time (ugh) and what I realize is that I'm making myself sick.  Again.

Any pressure that I'm feeling is absolutely one hundred and eighty million percent coming from me.  Just me.  And I haven't yet figured out how to talk about this (obviously), plus as I'm typing, I'm at Jason's and he's napping and I'm trying to type quietly so as not to wake him but it's almost impossible to type both quickly and quietly so tap tap tap and oh hai guilt how are you? UGH.

But yeah, last week sucked.  I don't want more weeks like that.