A New Year

I was in between as the years changed.  I'd gone to bed, read for a bit and then around 11:30 or 11:40 I turned off the light, knowing I wouldn't quite sleep through midnight.

So I wasn't totally awake, but I wasn't asleep and I knew better than to let myself fall asleep because the neighbourhood noise would likely wake me up anyway and so I rolled over and checked the clock a few times, but that's only so helpful as my bedroom clock is set purposely wrong, but not 'exactly' wrong in any way but I was awake, technically, when midnight came.  I said "Happy New Year" out loud to myself, and the world and, I don't know, my home and bed and whoever else might "hear" it.

I heard the fireworks/crackers (not my favourite when not in an official capacity/structured but I get that people enjoy setting them off in celebration) and I let myself fall off to sleep.

I didn't do the usual midnight things I've done in previous years... open my windows up to let the old year out and the new year in.  Or light candles to have light at the change of years.  I did, for a few minutes, think about how my New Years Eves have changed over the years.  I tried to remember if I've ever gone to a "fancy" dress up event but I don't think I have, or if I have, I've forgotten.  I know I've dressed nicely (just not the way they do in movies) to go to parties or friends' places.  And I know I got tired (sad) of being the single person at those parties and having to wait out the awkward moments of all the couples kissing and someone feeling sorry for you to give you a kiss on the cheek, if they were sober enough to remember.

And I think at some point I got tired of starting a new year not rested and maybe hungover.  I know a lot of folks feel that way on January 1st and I try not to judge but.... I'm judging... because so many people buy into the whole new year-fresh start thing and how can you really do that if you got hammered the night before?  But I digress... not about them, about me.  

I'm not glad to see 2021 go, not like some.  It was a year.  One I never really settled into.  I know many people feel like we never got out of March 2020 and in a lot of ways I think my mind got stuck in 2020 as well.  There are always bumps starting a new year as you write the year wrong but I feel like if I don't remember to write 2022 it's because I still want to write 2020 and that's odd.

It's January now.  I gave up the self-pressured resolutions years ago.  I do think about things I'd like to aim towards this year, set intentions I guess.  I did a sort of guided intention setting thing and ironically what came out on top for me for this year was more socializing.  

Which... um... this variant, y'all... just... yeah.  More socializing?  So many reasons I don't really want to have to do that.  Not merely Covid.  Just... energetically.  But I suppose I have to avoid being a total hermit and I suppose Omicron may be "changing the game" on us again but I genuinely don't know how to navigate social things right now.  (Or maybe anymore?)

I have things about my health I'm thinking of and probably focussing on, but I also will not put myself in a position of setting myself up to fail.  That is so unfair and I've fallen into that trap too many times... fool me once and all that jazz.

So I'm being careful not to have black and whites.  To not be absolute.  It's tricky though because there are certainly things I'd like to stop.  But I also know that cold turkey type of black and white idealism generally leads to failure for me.

That being said, I did eat all the remaining sweets in my place yesterday... just in case.  (Sugar being something I want to work on reducing again, but I'm not sure how that will look...and it's been a sweet sweet few months.  Just saying.)

I hope this year is calm.  And quiet.  And close to boring, for all of us.  Just a dull, simple year.  I hope it's an easy year and a gentle year.  It's 2022 y'all.  How strange.  

A Happy New Year to you my friends.