T. Warning: Talk of Suicide

I'd been reading blogs... online diaries... for a number of years before I started this one (in 2006).

It was what I did online, really.  I had yet to sign up for any social media brain-drain-time-suck sites and my online journies were between sites of small bloggers and bigger bloggers.

A few of the bloggers I read became more and more well known and made careers and livings out of their sites and writing and honestly, that was often when I started to move away from reading them.  

A well known blog I had been reading for years was Dooce's blog.  (Heather B Armstrong's)

I stopped reading Heather's blog a long while ago but did check in on her social media pages from time to time.  I read her book a while ago that spoke about her unusual treatment of her long-time depression and I suppose I found hope in reading that.

Hope that depression was beatable.  Hope that with the right combination of things or effort or clinical trials, it could be overcome.  That life could go on.

At some point a week or two ago I was on a social media site and another long term (but less... known) blogger I follow posted that Heather had died.

I was shocked.  And then scared.  

I went to Heather's IG page.  I saw the news firsthand.  Heather's partner posted that Heather had died by taking her own life.  By suicide.

Heather... this woman who had written and posted and shared very honestly over a long time about her battle with Depression and mental health and alcoholism and addiction as well as her family and her kids and her dating life and her marriage and divorce and new love and life and life and life has died.  Chosen to.

The account I first saw/heard the news from stated that they wanted to write about it but didn't want to come across as having "main character syndrome" and making it all about her and I felt that too.  So I paused.  And processed.  But this has been shattering for me in frightening ways.

Not because I was anyone who knew this blogger at all.  There is some loss from the knowing of a person you will never meet or interact with certainly, but I didn't buy into any celebrity of her or worship of her.  I stopped following a long time ago after all.

But there was this strong sense for me of "if Heather can't, what hope is there for me?"

Ms Armstrong lived a live of seeming privileged.    I would be stunned to hear she didn't have more wealth and income and financial stability than I do.  I know she has been in stronger, longer relationships than I have.  I also am very aware we do not know into the brains and thoughts of others, even if they write and share quite honestly.  But in my mind Heather had everything one would need to overcome the illness of Depression.

An illness I struggle with and have been frightened of before.

I have had suicidal thoughts.  More than once.  More than in passing.  I have wanted to escape and leave and not.

For me, it was terrifying.  Every time.  And I didn't blog about it.  I didn't really talk about it.  Sometimes to Jason.  And once he made me promise to... to my counsellor and to C-Dawg.  (Once.  Long after the thoughts had gone.)

I didn't write a best selling book about it like Heather did.  I didn't undergo groundbreaking treatment.  Heather did.  And still chose to end her life.

We can talk endlessly about the possible why.  And I'm sure much of the internet is doing so.  I've glanced at articles talking about her addiction and alcoholic relapse.  Articles talking about the intense bullying and awfulness from online commenters and people.  I mean look at me, I avoid showing my face, my name, my true life and work and reality in LARGE part to avoid that... the nasty nasty negativity that can and these days will come with putting yourself out there, especially online.

But as much as we could try to explain why she ended her life, we will not ever know the reality of what was going on for her.

I am devastated by yet another reminder that having "it all" (or appearing to anyway) will not stop you from wanting to end your life.

I am devastated by another reminder that being in therapy and having a supportive partner and family and friend croup will not stop you from wanting to take your own life.

I am struggling to not be crushed by the loss of hope this has brought to me.

I get it, I do.  I get the feelings and thoughts and decisions and while I wish I didn't understand, I can.

I just wish this hadn't happened.  I wish she hadn't made this choice.  For herself, for her loved ones, for her children, her ex, her mother, her "fans"... and for the part of me that looked to her as a beacon of hope that this too would pass.  And never come back.

For Heather it did. 

And that's not ok.