A Week

Last week was a week.

I mean... every week is a week, but this last week (or was it two?  yeah it might have been closer to two) was a week in the way that people say "well THAT was a day!"

So you know, last week was a week.

I try hard not to talk about work (even though the stories I could tell you oh em gee... ahem, shhhhh) so here's some vagueness.... 

Something came up at work.  An opportunity.  I was terrified of going for it.  Not afraid, not anxious, TERRIFIED.  For days I dealt with waves of panic attacks about it.  Fear that trapped me in a "damned if I do damned if I don't" kind of feeling. 

As fortune would have it I had a counselling appointment in the middle of all this and while I didn't ask them to tell me what to do, I did ask them to help me calm down about it and when I got home after that I was able to go for the thing.

It didn't happen, at least not for me, and I'm disappointed by that (but also ever so slightly relieved) but everyone around me who knows more than the basics (so Jason, C-Dawg, counsellor... a limited few that I brought into my confidence) says how awesome it is that I tried.  

And yes, I do have a sliver of a feeling of being proud of myself for the trying because doing something you're terrified of or about, or scared of, or anxious about is SO incredibly brave. I would say that to anyone and mean it.  So I guess I have to mean it for myself too, you know?

But, yeah, I had an awful week or so, and then a really hard few days after hearing the result/answer/whatever and I'm currently having a bit of a hard time feeling much pride around it or anything other than exhaustion and reluctance to do my day to day (when I'd much rather sleep and do nothing... emotional hangover maybe?)

So, yeah... that was a week.  Damn.