Bed

A lot of the time recently when I'm lying in bed I write posts about it in my head.  (Ha, rhyme!) So I figured maybe it was time to sit down and try to write out some of that babbling... 

I don't remember having trouble sleeping til "adult"hood... as in the only memories I have around bed as a kid were being mad I was in bed "too early" (it was still light out... would have been Summer and my brothers were still outside playing, I was mad about it.)  I don't remember sleep issues.  Fast forward a whole lot of years and I do.

Have talked about them a fair bit here.  Not really the point.

The point (if there is one) is that lately I've been finding sleeping and waking weird.

I've worked really hard over the last few years to curb my life-long sleeping in patterns and I've managed really well.  People also say that it's more difficult to sleep in as you age so that may be part of it.  But the last while, possibly due to me keeping my blinds half open and light starting earlier than in Winter, I've been coming quite awake around 4 am.  I know we have sleep-wake patterns going on all night so this is likely just one of those that I'm more aware of.  But it's not a time I'm used to noticing.  And sure, I should stop looking at the clock but on mornings where I'm having to get up for work I "half wake", see the light out and wonder how much time I have left.

But honestly, I don't think I'm falling back into particularly deep sleep after that so yesterday morning I actually wondered about just... getting up.

But that makes for pretty long days, and honestly, in the past, if I wake my body more than an hour earlier than it's used to I get upset digestive and stomach issues, so it's generally better to not change the routine all that much.. but still... I wonder.

I don't know, I'm way off track of where my mind has been going in bed lately but I think I'm maybe too awake to quite touch on it...

I think the gist of it is that both falling asleep and waking up are weird.

And how is it that taking a nap and falling asleep at night aren't the same?  I can fall asleep with fans on and whatever the temp on my couch in the day, but try to do the same at night?  NO THANK YOU! (says my body/brain), like what's that about?  Is there some mental trick to knowing you're going to sleep for "just a while" vs "hours"?  Sigh.

And waking up is weird too... I'll lie there not really awake but not really asleep and WANT to go back to sleep but it's like... nah... you can only have half sleep, sorry!

And sometimes my brain wants to make sure I wake up in time for whatever (not work, non alarm days) like an appointment or errand and then that can stress me out because I just want to be asleep not have to wake up and do things but then when I have the option to just, hey, sleep all morning if you want to my body won't, or can't.  And I'm not MAD at that, I just kind of miss the days and times when I could heavy, deep sleep until mid morning quite happily.

So yeah, in these longer days I'm having strange morning light sleeps from 4am or so on and even though I'd love to be deeply soundly asleep, I'm not sure that's happening!  And I do think it's a light/temperature thing as I'm not sure this happened in colder months (but maybe it did and I've just forgotten.)

Anyway, bodies are weird and so is sleep, the end!