I've been chatting (messaging) with a friend of mine (we are both Burners and have met in person but she's in Reno and I'm, well, clearly not!) who recently went through an emergency surgery and is dealing with recovery from that and moving forward with the new health things in her life.
I've checked in with her regularly since she posted about the surgery and have been genuinely feeling for her and hoping she's ok and coping. I also, in some ways, want her to know that she is thought about and cared about as I have picked up sometimes that she perhaps feels left out a bit? (Or maybe I'm just making that up, I don't know.)
Over the month or so of checking in and chatting with her she has mentioned how much it means to her that I do so and how supported, loved and cared for she feels and that she hopes I feel the same care and love from her.
Which you guys? I... don't?
But like because I don't allow it.
She's trying to do the same for me. Ask me about my day and my (work, ha!) stresses and health and life. And I give neutral, maybe evasive answers and I don't know why. I care about her well being. Why can't I accept she cares about mine and me?
It's fucking annoying to feel this way about myself and yes, I'm working on changing it (with counselling and such) but I'm not liking the fact that I don't seem to really accept that others may care about me in the same way I care about them and that's lame and sucks.
1 comment:
Indeed it is lame and sucks, and I hope you find a way to change that pattern. You are worthy and deserving of love and care.
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