Why Do I Do This To Myself?

The temperatures were set to be up a little bit starting this weekend, and I kind of shrugged it off because the numbers were still in the low twenties rather than up higher like they were in the "hot" spell we had a few weeks back.  

Jason texted me Sunday morning and told me to get my air conditioner going.  Nah, I said petulantly... it's not going to be THAT hot!

And for a bit, it wasn't.  

I went and got groceries and thought to myself, hmmm, it's actually quite warm out, maybe I should think about that A/C?  But no.  I still didn't think it would get that hot and maybe that meant I had a point to prove about it?

Sigh.

So fast forward through the day to the afternoon when I yanked down all the blinds and coverings and told myself it still wasn't going to be THAT hot.

But... by the usual "it's too hot" time, I was, here's the spoiler... kind of too hot. 

Sigh.

Did I put the air conditioner on?  NOPE!  Why?  

I dunno.  Stubborn?  To punish myself into having such a miserable time I'd not make that mistake again?  To test the system?  Like maybe 23 is a threshold I'm fine with?  Because I overthink and don't want to deal with the noise and the "ruining the environment with air conditioning" and the cost and just want to pretend like *this* summer is going to be manageable and I'll be fine?

I mean I was fine.  I just wasn't good.  Because 23 outside means 25 or 26 in my place.  And it doesn't really cool down at night unless there's a breeze.  Which... I mean, yeah.  There wasn't.  Sigh.  And at about 7pm that evening, I "caved" (to myself?) and threw the air conditioner on anyway to cool myself down in hopes that might just make sleep more likely that night.  I dunno man.

So I fully did it to myself... made myself hotter than I had to be.  Let my place get hotter than it had to be.  Made for a more miserable afternoon than it needed to be.

But, I also, I guess, reminded myself why it's better to have the air conditioner running, making noise, using electricity, and whatever else, than to feel kind of nasty and too warm.

This is probably the second time I've done this this calendar year and while I can say I hope it's the last, I also know I can't promise that because I do have this wicked stubborn streak and, well, I gotta slap myself in the face a few times... metaphorically speaking.... to learn, I guess.