So, Yeah....

When I was in high school, the Toronto Blue Jays (a baseball team) won the World Series (the final championship series) two years in a row.  Do I remember particularly watching the games?  No.  But I do remember the hype and the excitement and the joy.  Somewhere in a storage bin I have a Coke can with the Blue Jays champions win on it.  So yes, I have memorabilia from that team and that series.  And as I generally do with sports, I've always been a Blue Jays fan as they are the only remaining Canadian team in the MLB.  (It's how I also cheer if/when I watch hockey BTW.  Canucks first, and then whichever Canadian teams are still playing once playoffs come.  Although I did kind of give up on the Canucks after the fans rioted that one year... and once the game changed enough that I didn't recognize in the same way as when I was a kid.)

We weren't really a baseball family growing up although I do remember having to sit through games my brothers were playing (BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRING!  I think I played nearby rather than watched them!) And as I think I've mentioned before I've always enjoyed baseball and the stories and the players (and the movies!) but certainly without cable I've never watched it full on.

I mentioned this earlier this year but Jason had me come watch the World Series last year and that's when I got attached to the Los Angeles Dodgers (who beat the New York Yankees last year to win the World Series) and because Jason is a huge baseball person he bought a year's subscription to MLB.com and shared the log in with me so that I could, if I wanted, watch an entire season's worth of the Dodgers this year.  Which I started to do.  And then became utterly attached and invested in the folks on the team!

Now for me, baseball is time consuming.  A game is generally three hours.  Which is fine a few nights a week, but I do not have it in me to watch multiple teams.  On TOP of that, there are all sorts of broadcasting rules and blackouts and annoying things so the (Canadian) Blue Jays team games were on a completely different streaming service and one that I did not have and did not want access too.  As the season went on I got more and more attached to the Dodgers players and their stories and struggles and talent.  And I got stressed when they didn't do as well.  I wanted them to win again.  They were good enough to do so.  And then they struggled.  And I stressed.

At times during the year the Dodgers would play a team and there would be a blackout on MLB.  A couple of times I paid for a month's worth of this streaming service or that streaming service (Apple or Sportsnet) to watch them play a team or a game or three.  I got attached to the lovely commentators on SNLA via the MLB app.  

Then came post season.  For sure my first time watching a post season all the way through.  My two main teams, the Dodgers and the Blue Jays were on "opposite" ends of the brackets.  MLB didn't have rights to the Post Season so I paid for the Canadian Sportsnet for the month (it turned into two months go figure!) and that allowed me to watch as many post season games as I wanted to.  But again... see above... baseball is time consuming.  

But hey, look at this!  The Dodgers just made it into the post season.  The Blue Jays made it into the post season.  And the scrappy Mariners, who had never made it to the World Series also made it to the post season.  And the Mariners are in Seattle which is a hop, skip, and a jump from here so I started rooting for them as well.  (Plus, when you watch a full season your team plays everyone and you get to know each team and the characters on that team pretty well.)

I got stressed by the Dodgers games.  Their pitchers had been struggling for the last few months.  I didn't trust that they'd actually do it.  But they did.  Made it to the World Series.  Phew.  

And then the Blue Jays played the Mariners.  I was torn.  I REALLY wanted the Mariners to make it.  For their fan base, and for the guys on the team.  But especially for their fan base.  But I also wanted the Blue Jays to make it.  For the entire country.  And for me, who had cheered them on in high school.  And for what seemed to be a really sweet collection of guys who had been, some of them, friends for years.  I told myself I'd be ok which ever one of them won but I kind of wanted the Mariners to have it.  But also the Blue Jays.  It was uncomfortable and while I was sad the Mariners didn't take it, I was happy to see the Blue Jays advance.  As was most of Canada!

It was awesome to see the country (sure, not everyone) come together in hope.  To see Blue Jays hats and shirts and gear being worn out and about and to call out "Go Jays!" to that person and share smiles and happiness and hope and pride. 

But my Dodgers.  I'd followed them all year.  For the first time ever!  I wanted them to see it through! 

Jason bought me a (knockoff... important to say because authentic jersey prices are ridonkulous!) Dodger jersey of my favourite player.  

I bought myself a Blue Jays shirt. (And a Dodgers hat for summer... ahem.... my gear suggested I preferred the Dodgers two to one!)

And then the series started.  It was good ball.  Sometimes way more so by one team than the other (Dodgers I'm looking at you for a few games there, GEEZ) In the end it stretched to seven games, which is awesome (and how I think final series should go!) and there was an 18 inning game in there (that's two games in length in one night!) and the final game seven went into extra innings too and was a nail biter and so the whole series was great baseball and some have been saying it was one of the best World Series ever.

But you guys?  I don't think I enjoyed it!?

I wanted both teams to win.  But a tiny little bit more wanted the Dodgers to win.  But I was either too stressed by the game or stressed that one would win and the other would lose, or sad that the Dodgers weren't playing up to snuff or legitimately wanting the Blue Jays to win so that all of Canada could celebrate the win (and at a time where we really do need a big win....)  So I think it was really hard for me to be IN the watching because I was so stressed OUT by the watching. 

My counsellor has been on holiday (if we call it that?  break?) for several months now, but I know if I had been seeing him he would have talked to me about not being so wrapped up in the games.  So I know how I felt about it all wasn't healthy.  I mean I was there.  It wasn't fun.  

I also know that watching sports involves some stress.  Most everyone who was talking about the series was stressed.  Lots of "jokes" online about blood pressure and heart attacks and I think some of that wasn't actually jokes.... just saying.  So I'm not saying that I think I *should* have been neutral and joyful during the games but I was way too attached and didn't get a lot of fun out of it.  Or not as much as I would have liked to.  For example?  When I was watching the final game and the Dodgers were behind, I was crying that they weren't going to win.  But I knew I'd be happy for the Blue Jays to win.  I also wanted it to be an exciting end, not a simple one, and well, it turns out I got what I wished for there!

When the Dodgers won, I wasn't happy.  I mean I was happy but in a melancholy way.  I was so sad for the Jays.  And for the Jays fan, new and old and even those who jumped on the so called bandwagon (I don't care about that, jump on up I say) and the loss of the joy all of Canada had been carrying and hoping for.  I KNOW that's sports, but it was so strange to me to not feel the joy of *my team* winning.  Because my team and my country and neighbours also lost.  I know, I get it.  This is sports.  Sigh.  It sucks.  But the team I spent all year wanting to win won and I just feel blah about it.  It's annoying.

I'm thinking I might watch game seven over again (now that I know how it goes) and see if I can enjoy the plays and the action more than I did on the night it happened.  I'm trying to be happy for the people of LA who likely needed the lift of a win after the fires they endured this year.  And I'm trying to be hopeful that there is "always next year" and I'm sad to find out that a lot of people don't like the Dodgers and have negative feelings about them (and their financial situation apparently) when I kind of just want us all to get along and enjoy sportsball and be friendly in our competition with each other.

I'm sad the Blue Jays lost, I really am.  They deserved this win.  And so did the Mariners.  They deserved to be in the World Series.  And to be fair, the Dodgers earned this win.  So when I see my counsellor next, maybe I'll ask why I can't be happy for how well everyone did and why I'm so sad that my team won and how I can maybe have a more joy filled time of this next year.  If I end up doing this again next year.  

I'm proud of the guys I watched all year.  I hope their bodies have a chance to heal up over the "off season" and I hope they don't trade away or let go too many guys from any of the teams I've come to love.  

But yeah... that happened.  And I feel like I'm feeling wrongly about it but that's how it is and as my neighbour said "it was really nice to be stressed and anxious about something not important" and at the end of the day?  Ain't that the fucking truth.