This Space

I've been single for a long while now.

My friendship with Jason, who is a former boyfriend has made it feel not quite as single as a normal single-ness feels but the last year or so have been tough for us, or for me anyway, I can't speak for him, nor do I really know what he thinks of it all, he's been emotionally distant for a while now.... and so I realized at some point today that I am, in fact, single.  Really.

Maybe it was the "meeting someone great" dreams that made the back of my mind start to think about that maybe meaning I'm ready for that to happen rather than being mildly content to hang out with an ex and feel like that was enough of a "relationship".

The Jason and I story is way more complicated than I think I've ever gotten into here, or anywhere other than babbling conversations with him from time to time.  I've been extremely hurt over the last 8 or so years (when his last relationship ended so we were both single single) that he refers to him as single on the regular (on his socials and in conversation) when I guess I thought we were on a similar page of "not together but kind of half not quite *not* together".  And man oh man am I over-simplifying like nearly a decade of whatever the two of us have been and how I felt about that and I just never quite felt like putting it out here so you all have maybe been just guessing or not knowing or more likely not even caring, I don't know.

I do know that from time to time a counsellor will ask "I'm confused by your relationship with Jason?" and I'll reply "yeah me too, but no we're not together not exactly but he says we're totally not and I guess I kind of agree but also I don't so I don't know.  And no I'm not sure it's healthy or good.... for me anyway."

But am I wanting to or willing to or able to just cut off our friendship completely cold turkey overnight?  Nope.  But I digress.... in my head.

I started this post with the simple idea of talking about the fact that "single girl" is in the title of this Blog and that not long after I started it someone warned me against doing that with the whole "manifesting" thing.... suggesting that if I put that energy out into the universe I would never be anything but single.  *shrug*  If it is that it is that.  I don't know.

I just know that between the relationship and devastating breakup with Max and then my mental health really falling apart I haven't had the heart to even consider all that it takes to try to date.  And in this day and age it feels even more daunting and impossible.  And I'm not 20 something or even 30 something anymore, and so neither are the men I would be considering dating.

Am I going to rename the blog?  I doubt it.  I didn't consider it in the early days because there were hundreds of people reading it a day and I didn't know enough about the internets and stuff to want to "risk" screwing that up (not that I have ever made anything from this blog or gotten any fame or anything since it's, you know ANONYMOUS! HA!) And would I now?  With just a small (but wonderful, you guys rock!) number of people reading most days?  Maybe?  But also, can I be bothered?  Or am I creative enough to think of an adjacent name?  The blog name came (as I've said before) literally from me "writing" Dear (person) notes in my head and finding them amusing and so I was like well here I am, a single girl giving advice to strangers, that'll be what I'll call this blog no one will ever read ever!

Now it's no longer *that* and I haven't had anything near a desire to date since, what was it... 2015?  A decade?  So I am still single and I'm not really giving "pretend advice" anymore (not that it was that common in the beginning anyway) but if this space is about being a single girl and I'm not trying to date, do I change things?  And what if I date in the future and end up married or partnered up, is it still the blog of a "single" girl at that time?  I remember thinking to myself well I am just ONE person and that's a singular so it can stick as a name and really in the grand scheme of things it's not likely that important in anyway or to any one or to the universe but hey, I had the thought and so I wrote about it and here we are.