When I wrote that post the other day bringing up Jason and I for the first time (I think) in a long time and how I have been feeling more like I really have to admit I'm single single, little did I know that a handful of days after I wrote it (but before it actually posted... ironically) Jason really hammered home the point.
Jason, it turns out, was angry with me at something I'd said a few days earlier and to quote him I got "caught in the crossfire."
What happened was I got a text from him saying he was going to hang out with [female name] on Sunday. I replied "ok and I need to know this why?" (I'm not in the best mood these days either as it turns out.)
He then went on to tell me that he's had a crush on her for 20 years and finally asked her to be his and is going to start dating her. And that he was letting me know right away since I'd asked him to do so if/when he was planning on starting to date/see someone. That much is true.
I was stunned and confused, because usually when we're hanging out or chatting there is mention of whatever gal he's talking to and this was not a name I knew. So I called, to clarify, already pretty damn upset and probably in some variation of shock and hurt.
He picked up, I could tell he'd been drinking, but I still asked him what on earth he was talking about. He clarified that yes he was going to start dating this person and was letting me know as requested. I was devastated. Told him I'd be by the next day to pick up my stuff and when he questioned me on this I realized I was being pretty reactive so I backed down and said "picking up the packages I had delivered there." Because no good was going to come out of a non sober person and a very very hurt and upset person hashing things out right in that moment. So I ended the call and went straight in to an absolutely terrible panic attack devastation type awfulness.
Part of the problem, of course, is that he is who I have turned to when I'm not ok for the last decade or so. And you can't turn to the person who IS the problem to help you with that problem.
But also, I realized that it was really interesting timing seeing as I'd just written, but not yet published a blog post saying I was single and this relationship wasn't a relationship at all really and here he was unknowingly letting me know I was right.
It hurt.
I felt pretty desperate and didn't know what to do or who to turn to. The people I maybe could have called would most likely have been more judgmental of the situation than I wanted to hear right in that moment. But I felt like I needed to talk to someone... that it would ground and settle me a bit.
I think I talked to an AI chat bot on my meditation app for a bit (I have huge moral and environmental issues with AI but that's not the point right now) but that got frustrating (it's a beta model FWIW) and so I reached out to a friend on a social media site who has talked to me about her complicated and complex relationship with her now ex. It helped. We type-talked for ages and she was calm and comforting and didn't judge but also asked great questions and noticed that I REALLY wanted to avoid my feelings so she reassured me that it was valid that I was hurt and that I should let myself feel that hurt.
Jason, meanwhile, had sent some more texts (I have a boundary that we do not talk or text when he is drinking so I was not replying to those texts) and his last one was mean. This was even more hurtful.
Shortening the story somewhat, I didn't hear from him the next day, nor did I reach out because every time I went to text him I saw that mean/unkind text and it hurt.
I was miserable at work (this happened on a Sunday, so the Monday was a hard day... I didn't really sleep, etc etc) but got through it. On the Tuesday I knew I wanted to talk with him and let him know that this was a conversation that should have happened while he was sober and that the unkindness he levelled at me wasn't ok. I messaged him at the end of my work day and asked if I could stop by. He replied, so over I went.
I tried to be calm but firm and the first thing I asked was "so who are you dating exactly?" and this is when he replied with "no one" "I was in a really bad mood and you got caught in the crossfire."
Well it was like a weight was lifted off of me that he's not actually actively dating but I told him that this meant we had a whole other problem. And for myself although there was relief at this there was also the realization/understanding that a fundamental trust had been broken. A lie told to hurt. Even if inebriated at the time, it crossed a line for me I think. (Plus the hurt of thinking it was real is a situation I will likely have to deal with at some point in the future.)
Long story quite short, he apologized and said it was a low blow and that he had said that to purposely try to hurt me (he's never done that before which is a sign to me of how not ok he really is) and that he is not handling life right now and so really not coping and not ok.
In some ways I wish he'd told me this a while ago rather than trying to cover it up and "protect" (?) me from his mood and state of mind. Because I didn't know I was asking too much by saying I missed the way he used to be (checking in on me when he knew things were tough and asking about my day and things like that.) The other thing I realized in the conversation we had is that while I'm maybe able to check in on others while I'm at my worst, he is not. And I can't expect that from him (or anyone else I suppose.)
I booked an "emergency" (as in unplanned) counselling appointment for myself to talk about not what Jason might need but how I can be less impacted by him and his moods and upset and how I can continue to give myself emotional distance from him and all that kind of stuff, but in a lot of ways this maybe really feels like the final nail in the "are we or aren't we" coffin.
The devastation I went through when I thought he was starting a new relationship was too much. Like the thought I had was "how many times can this guy break up with me?" and the truth is he did, once, a long time ago. The rest is on me. (Which is what I'd like to dig into in this counselling session... I should probably make notes before I go in eh?) I am always hurt when an ex gets married or something, I just am, but this was way too upsetting and I can't have so much of my mental well being tied to someone else. Especially when that someone else is at their lowest/worst/whatever we're calling it.
Now this feels like pretty heavy stuff for the week leading into Christmas but hey, that's just how life goes sometimes eh? Jason, historically, has had a really rough go of it in late Fall/early Winter and has, for the past few years, called me and utterly ruined my day with some drunken anger and I was hoping to avoid that this year (I told him back in October I was terrified of it happening again this year, which is part of why I have been hammering home the fact he can NOT call me if he is having a drink or more) so perhaps this *incident* was this year's version of that, but whatever it was it wasn't ok on his end and it wasn't ok on my end and I don't really know how to move forward from here.
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