I like January. I have a birthday in January. Plus when I was a kid it would always snow on my birthday in January. Snow when you're a kid is awesome because you don't have to worry about things like driving or getting to work or groceries, you just get to play in the snow and enjoy it. Plus January is a new start, if you need it or want it. I like January.
Last January was rough. I woke up on my birthday with what we figure was bronchitis. It was awful. I really tried to not have that repeat this year. (Success!) I washed my hands more, and better (I literally watched a video on how to properly wash your hands a few months ago) and I took Cold-FX preventative and I tried to eat well and hydrate. I'm half sure I'm fighting something. But also my body doesn't stay chill when I'm stressed and I'm stressed.
This year, January was rough again. Thankfully not for illness reasons, but for interpersonal relationship reasons. There were some family based stressed last year and this year was the same but for very different reasons. I'm hopeful the information that I gathered last week (or so) will bring positive change for and to my family but holy shit was that ever a lot to process and deal with. (Nothing bad, just someone with some information that makes a lot click into place but that also needs some getting used to.... and no, it's not a "coming out of a closet" kind of thing... not that that would have been a problem if it was.) And while things were overwhelming and TOO MUCH to deal with, I didn't have Jason there to talk to and vent to and lean on and discuss and dissect it all with. That's a missing for me. Eleven years of having him to bounce my life off of (it's how I process a lot... talking it through with someone I trust) and now it's not there. Sure I told him. And he listened but it's not the same. We're not close right now. (I don't know if we ever will be again.... but we're not right now and I hate it.)
Oh and did I mention that I can't seem to rip myself away from the absolutely awful things that are happening just to the south of me/us? Yeah, that too.... It sure doesn't help.
I'm bummed that the last couple of Januaries weren't..... easy. Especially what with it being my *special* month.
But we go onwards. The calendar flips over. Sunrise and sunset are stretching out away from each other. We made it through the darkest weeks. It's been a mild winter so far, which is disconcerting and abnormal, but February might give us a run for our money... we'll see (but I'm not banking on it). I might even take off some more layers of my bed. I already have the top two warm layers put aside but it's been 22 in my bedroom the last few nights which is warm, for me. It's all odd.
And odd unsettles me. Or doesn't let me settle, or something.
I cancelled a social invite this weekend. Asked for a raincheck. Just don't have it in me.
I didn't go on my usual Saturday errand walk. I let myself stay home and not do much.
I kept up with the things I *had* to this last week. I ate the frozen meals I keep on hand for this kind of a week. But I also cooked a batch of a pasta dish and ate it three days in a row so cooking was a success I felt pleased about. Like, happy I pulled enough energy together to manage that.
My sleep isn't deep but I'm happy to be getting some. I'm doing the best I can with what I have with everything that's going on right now.
So here's to February and whatever it might bring in terms of mental/emotional settling or processing, or snow/cold weather or whatever's coming.
February's a weird one. It can be SO cold. But March and spring is *right* there.
January was long, but it's also so quickly over. The last week and a half of it went on for a very long time for me. (And yes, I've already seen Cadbury's creme eggs out and about.)
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