Social

One of the diagnoses I was given is that of social anxiety disorder.  Which, I find amusingly, has the same acronym as seasonal affective disorder which I maybe probably also have, but have managed pretty well for the last few winters (I think!) thanks in no small part to Vitamin D and a special lamp that I have but that I use year round.  But I digress.  Social anxiety disorder.... that's where I was starting.

I don't know what most people think this means but when I google it the definitions and explanations lean heavily on the "fear of being judged" aspect of it, but that's not quite what it is for me.

For me I avoid a lot of things because the whole idea of it feels like way too much.  The getting there, the parking (or walking version of that.... where does my coat go, etc.), the entering (where?  how?  will people look at me weird?) the thing itself, (is there seating?  how will it work?  are there expectations of me?) and I could go on and on but really, social stuff is a LOT for me and that makes most things these days really not feel 'worth' the energy it will take.

Well the gym I've gone to for ages and most recently have been doing my water fitness classes at is closing.  Or, more truthfully, they're moving out of the building they're in and moving in to a new place (where I'm not sure I want to go due to, well, see above... the getting there, the not knowing how it works, the figuring it all out, the newness, the change, the difference, the stress of it all.)  Over the weekend they put on a celebration of their time at this location.  

When I got the invite, I didn't *not* want to go, which is often how I feel about things, and that was a good thing.  (I've been going to this place for years and years off and on so it's quite a "comfortable" location for me.) And then on the day of, I wasn't sure I wanted to go but I also didn't fully commit to not going.

People in my classes were like "are you going?  Will I see you there?") and I gave non committal answers but the morning of, I went to get my passport photo done (so I did my hair and even put on make up!) and then came home and was pretty tired out from that walk (I walk when and where I can for the exercise) and so I got changed but didn't wash my face.  (Telling myself I might go to the event, but that I didn't have to.)  When it got closer to the time I was pretty honestly 50/50.  The fact that I didn't have an internal hard no to going was interesting, but I also wasn't sure about going.  Then my friend from class texted to see if I was going and so I said "sure, I'll throw on some clothes and meet you there out front ok?"  And that "buffer" of someone I get along with to go in with is a huge help for me.  So we went and ran into some of our classmates and instructors and had a nice time and so that was a small little success that was kind of really a big deal for me and is the most "social activity" I've done outside of work or the exercise class in a long time.  Pre-lockdown for sure.

 It sucked to get home from that and not be able to text Jason to tell him and have him genuinely celebrate that success/win with me.  Sure, I could have texted him but he doesn't really respond much these days and most weekends I don't hear from him at all anymore, and he doesn't feel like someone who is capable of celebrating my wins right now/anymore anyway.  So I didn't.

I did let my brother know and he was like "good job!" But man oh man it hurts to not have that person (in Jason), you know?

The other thing I noticed was that by mid way through the event (we were standing at the back) my body really started to hurt/be sore.  I tried stretching but by the time I got home I was in a lot of discomfort from standing essentially still for a couple of hours (listening to speeches.)  This was interesting to me because it suggests there may be more going on with my upper body aches and pains than I thought.  (More on this another time, I don't think I've brought it up yet?)

I ended up taking a couple of OTC muscle relaxants before bed and then woke up in a low mood, which probably makes sense considering what was in my system (I guess?) so I went to my exercise class the next morning and that combined with the sunshine we got lifted my mood and moved my achy body and I'm very glad for that.

Last night when I got home and was trying to loosen up my body with some heat, I felt so great about going to a social thing that I wanted to make sure I go to some more, and I considered a small concert/show that's happening this week but I let myself pause and think about it, especially since that's a work night and I'm usually pretty drained after work....

Oh and another thing of note..... that's the most people I've been around without a mask in a long time.  I tried not to think too much about it and I did have a mask in my pocket in case I ended up feeling I needed it but that's another consideration for me in the "social anxiety" portion.  Is now I am a little more aware of what germs and viruses might be circulating around me.  And yeah, I'm still that person who doesn't want to contract Covid, and no, I still haven't tested positive for it and I'd really rather not.  I know not everyone is on the same page with that and I know the friend I went with figures she probably had it the "last few weeks" but also didn't bother testing because it's "just a cold/flu" and I didn't argue with her but I am not in agreement with that thinking but I'm also fine to just keep those thoughts to myself with most acquaintance type people.  Everyone lives with their own understanding of public health and their bodies and their comfort level and their medical knowledge and although I don't talk about my work I'm not a doctor or public health nurse so it's literally not my job to try to educate anyone about health related matters.  But yeah, I did have a moment thinking "hmmm, this is a lot of people and I'm out here without a mask.... I hope that doesn't backfire on me" but this whole last paragraph is just an aside to what was a choice I made and am proud of and patting myself on the back for doing.  Yay me.  As I said to my brother "I socialed!"  Right on.