In addition to the heaviness I'm carrying from the change in the friendship between Jason and I, I am also losing something that has become very dear to me over the last couple of years.
My pool is closing. It's a long story but the gist of it is that the pool I have been going to for my aquafit classes for the last couple of years is no more as of this week.
I'm heartbroken.
It's not just that this is an exercise that I REALLY enjoy but that it is something I have kept up with, above all other attempts at doing things, very regularly, for a couple of years now. Maybe I'll be able to transition to something else but this has been special. And yes, I know I could do it elsewhere, but this pool is a very very convenient and easy location for me.
A part of it, I realize, is that there was the unexpected community that I discovered over my time taking these classes.
I've never really had that at a fitness class before and I've been thinking about why. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that you're in the change room with each other before and after class and there is a little bit of time in the water before and after class and so you can chat with someone. Or give them a smile and a nod. And I know this is me. I'm happy to be friendly. I like seeing these people regularly. Giving them a wave, having a small chat about whatever. Sharing the enjoyment of this exercise. Feeling proud of those I know who are working through an injury or rehabbing after a surgery or just taking care of their bodies in a way that works for them.
And as much as people are hoping to keep these friendships going it won't be the same. Maybe there will be a meeting for coffee here or there. Maybe people will navigate to other locations and see each other there, but this, the way it is right now and has been, that's over.
It's another huge loss for me (and yes I covered this with my counsellor too) and another reason I am sad. (And I remind myself that sad is expected, normal, human, and ok.)
I am losing a community. A several times a week meeting of smiles and hellos and positive, friendly moments.
I have lost, and am in the process of dealing with the loss of Jason as my person and support system.
Sure, work has community. But work is work. (Ick.) Community outside of work is a thing I got to be part of creating. That I'm not "forced" to be in (like one is with work.) None of the people at that pool have to be nice to each other (not that you have to be nice to people you work with but it does make the days easier, you know?) but for me it was easy to do that. Maybe the exercise helped with the good mood, I don't know. I just know that this is something else I'm losing right now and I'm feeling really sad about it.
On the last day of the class of the favourite instructor I cried. Many of us did. I cried a lot. On my way there. At the start of class. In the middle of class looking around at these familiar faces I'd likely never see again. At the end of class. When someone came and gave me a big hug after class. When I snuck away trying to avoid crying even more after class. When I got home. A lot.
And with all that sadness, I didn't have Jason to call and share it with.
It's a lot of sad. And I'm wondering what the universe has in store for me to bring all of this empty feeling loss of support and community all at the same time. A clearing out? A point of noticing? I don't know. I just know I'm sad, and really feeling the "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" of these days.
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