Oh No

Oh I am in rough shape.

I haven't slept well since Wednesday of last week.  Or more accurately, I have slept terribly since Friday.  And by "terribly" I mean "it feels like not at all" and you guys?  I wake up wishing I weren't.  

It's been an awful few mornings.  I think (and hope) it's in part some medication changes I was trying.  One was a new to me allergy med (that I was trying for non allergy reasons, having been convinced by the internet it might help .... I know, that sounds terrible and un-smart but I did some research and figured it was worth a try.) that was a "non drowsy" and I wonder if that non drowsy part made me like non... sleep, but maybe it was just a co-incidence?  And another night was me being so sleepy that when I was in bed and realized I forgot my night time sleep-helping meds I thought "I'm sleepy enough I don't need them!" and then, well I didn't sleep.  Turns out I *did* need them.  (But on nights like that it's not like I think to get out of bed at whatever o'clock and take the meds in a "better late than never" kind of thing because my exhausted tired sleep deprived brain is somehow convinced I'll just fall and stay asleep "any minute now".... over and over.  I'm not smart when I'm not sleeping.  These things don't occur to me past like 1am or so.

And let's add on to those nights a need to sleep in the middle of the night which doesn't help anything and then a noisy bird with a shrill song that is trying really hard to attract a mate or claim a territory or something and somehow the tone of that birdsong is enough to keep me awake and this dude starts at like 4 in the morning or something and when I'm in my "dear god I need to sleep" mode it's just like ugh.

Without forgetting it has also been warm the last few days and as much as I try to cool my apartment and bedroom space with various attempts it just doesn't get to a cool cool temperature and that doesn't help me either.  

The forecast looks to be cooling off in the next few days and dear lord I'll take the respite but that means little to my anxious mind that knows full well summer is coming and there's no relief for a while.  Cool days here and there for sure, but nothing major for a while.  I don't know how to do this.  I feel like I've said that every spring/summer for the last few years and I keep trying but my god this is awful and it's awful to have that in the future.  I hate how hard this heat is for me.  I don't even remember right now what it's like to enjoy summer and warmth.  I try not to complain out loud to people because so many people love the warmth and the sun (and we don't even get THAT hot here) but I don't and I can't (at least I haven't figure out how to convince my body to yet????) and like I can't change where I live and the fact that I get the hottest part of the day's sun all afternoon onto my awesomely giant big main window.  I don't live in a house that is insulated and protected.  I don't even have the ability to open windows to get a cross breeze.  It just all is what it is but I hate that I feel so alone in my suffering even though people know I'm not a fan (pun not intended) it still all sucks.  And I can't just run fans and stuff all day because I can't handle the noise and I'm sure I've complained about this before but no that suggestion didn't help and no that idea didn't work and no I can't just X, Y, Z.  And no, my air conditioning unit helps but isn't doing what my air conditioner in my car does.  Enclosed space vs giant open room space.  This all sucks and I really wish it didn't.

And I wish I wasn't in this terrible of a mood and headspace from the lack of sleep.  

I'm going to try so hard this summer.  But I already feel like a failure who is suffering with no escape.  I hate this.