Oh....

I got the chance to catch up with an old friend recently.  She lives five thousand KM away and so getting to see her at all is rare and special.

We were following up with some texts this week and she asked me to tell her a little bit more about where I am at and as I was typing it out.... from the loss of Jason as my "person" and the massive loss that is to the hurt from stuff with my parents this summer and things that have come up and been revealed in therapy from that PLUS changing my entire hormonal system on purpose for once.... I had this moment of "oh shit... this is a lot.... no wonder I'm not feeling all that 'ok' " and it's funny how you can sometimes get that flash of perspective and while it doesn't fix anything it can maybe lighten the load.

So yeah.... "Oh"

Because typing it all out like that and having the perspective of someone on the outside (who also has known me since my young adulthood) to reorient to.  I'm dealing with massive loss.  

I have been powering through a lot.  Not just this summer but for the last... while.  

Ouch.