Friday, 20 January 2012

Sometimes It Doesn't Take Much To Break Your Heart

Coating by foundimagination
When I was living with my parents we had a lot of good talks. I mean, we've always had good talks, there were just more opportunities for them when I was back sharing the same roof.

And I think it was probably the first time I lived with them as an adult. (The time I moved back home after a relationship ended, I didn't feel like an adult, even though my driver's license said I was one.) And I have a few more things figured out, and the things I don't have figured out, I have an idea about.

One of the things we talked about was the past; where we used to live, being a child, how I felt when I was growing up.

Something I tried to articulate was how I never valued the things I was good at when I was growing up. And how this wasn't through poor parenting, or any fault of theirs, just the circumstances.

I was visiting with my parents the other day and we got to talking about my dance, and some of the accomplishments I had with that and how I still struggle a little to feel proud of those accomplishments when I compare them to my brother and all the things he excelled at.

There was a pause in the conversation and my Mom looked up at me and said "you know, if you go back to do your PhD, you should do it in Fine Arts."

And my heart broke. Because I wish we'd been able to have that conversation twenty years ago.

I wish I'd believed that the arts were valuable.

And I wish I'd believed in myself.

And I wish I'd gone down that path and chased that dream.

But perhaps I wasn't ready.

I certainly didn't have the inner strength or conviction for the criticism that comes along with being a creative person.

I'm closer to having that now.

Now I just have to sit with that thought for a while.


Lesley said...

I was having the same type of conversation with a friend of mine the other day. How we wished in a way that we had followed through with some of our interests when we were growing up. I don't think a push or two from our parents would have hurt in a way, but my parents were very hands off, not pushing in any specific direction. I do wish now after all these years, I had a little direction, because as an adult, even though I know what I do and I'm happy with my career, I can't help but think of those what ifs.

Victoria said...

Oh absolutely Lesley, the what ifs can hurt a lot. . .

Yamuna said...

It's never too late. You write beautifully, you take thought-provoking photographs and, well, I've never seen you dance but I'm guessing you're good at it? :)

It's very scary, but I really hope you try, and I hope you go after what you truly want.

Victoria said...

Thank you....very much Yamuna.

(And that song breaks my heart every time!)