I don't know any other way to describe it except to say that I put people on pedestals.
I meet someone and I get to know them a little and I think they're awesome.
A lot of time I look up to them and wish I was more like them in one way or another. There's maybe even an aspect of me feeling like they're a "better" person than I am in some important way.
And then they do something that hurts me or disappoints me or confuses me or lets me down. And I get angry and hurt and I vow to never let myself close to anyone ever again; to never have a friend ever again.
But that feeling fades and is replaced by a wariness that's no more comforting or comfortable.
I've come to realize that this is my issue, not anyone else's. I can't expect people to be perfect. I need to stop thinking they are anything other than human.
It's not fair to them for me to see them as this perfect person and then be disappointed when they show themselves to be imperfect, flawed.
I'm just not sure how to go about undoing this so I'm just going to go about it slowly. It might be one of those "knowing is half the battle" things. It might be another matter of not seeing everything as so black and white.
It might be a matter of seeing myself as not less than anyone.
And maybe that's the scary thought.