Friday, 27 March 2020


I have my first ... uh... I dunno what to call it... video call counselling session later today?

Counselling with my counsellor but on my computer via video conference?  Yeah.  That.

I'm so so nervous.  I'm nervous because it's new and different and I don't like change (see why this whole world virus situation is so not going "well" for me?)

I'm nervous that my counsellor will "see" a little bit of my home, I don't know why, not like my home is embarrassing, just that it's a little loss of neutrality.  I'm nervous that my home phone might ring.  (Yes, I have a land line.  No, I'm not sure how to silence it.)  I'm anxious that a delivery will happen when I'm on the call and then what do I do... I am so anxious about that because I have deliveries scheduled today but then an amazon one is just coming... whenever.  And I know, I know, I could cancel this or cancel that but these are strange times and.... I'm trying.

I'm also reminding myself that this particular call may just be sort of a check in and connect and nothing serious or anything.  Like, why is there so much pressure on myself here, I don't know.  But like... then there's comfort, like I don't have a proper seat to sit in for an hour, or I do, but then I don't have something at the "proper" angle for my laptop to sit on.  And then I don't have a headset, I just have my regular iPhone came with purchase headphones and yes they plug into my computer but only at a certain distance and yes, I've already accidentally yanked one out of my ear by moving too far.

And I don't like video calls.  I always feel awkward.  I don't really like seeing myself and I always analyze how weird or awful or unflattering I look and that's not helpful and I often get sweaty.  Yes, I said it.  Video calls make me sweaty or something.  Ugh.

So I'm not looking forward to this and I'm super nervous and anxious about it for so many reasons and on top of that I just wish the world was normal and it was a month or two ago and I was just walking to my regular appointment in my regular place to sit down in person and .... not this.


(Oh, and one other thing too... I'm nervous about my counsellor.  I'm nervous at how all of this is affecting him... financially and emotionally.  I don't feel comfortable venting to him... or anyone, right now because we're all going through this and we're all at least a little concerned if not scared or downright terrified.)

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