Thursday, 2 April 2020

Nope, Still Massively Anxious!

A couple of people close to me have been somewhat hopeful that my anxiety will have been lessened by all that's going on.

My dear sweet Mother mentioned that she read somewhere that folks with depression and anxiety actually feel better when there is something "real" to focus on, like a war, and that she hoped that was happening for me.

I stumbled a bit in my response because, no, I don't really want my folks to know how difficult things feel for me... ever, but also because, well, yeah, that would be nice, but no, it's not happening for me.

Then there was Jason who said "but you've had a good day, why aren't you happy?" a few days ago when I had had, what appeared to be a fairly calm/easy day.  And I again, was at a loss for words.  Yes, I know nothing went "wrong" that day but that doesn't mean my system *gets* it and it certainly doesn't mean I felt calm and happy.  Nope.  I wish.

I will for sure be talking with my counsellor folks about this and hopefully things will improve but for the last two or three weeks it's been extremely high stress for me and my anxiety has been as high as I can remember it.  And not just for a day here or there, or a panic attack few hours, but just ongoing.  Ongoing high high anxiety.  It's.... exhausting at best.

For example... food.  I'm fairly constantly afraid (read: anxious) around food.  Will I run out?  Will the supply chain break down?  Then what?  What if I can't get a delivery because everyone needs/wants one now?  What if I have to go into a store?  Am I even hungry?  Am I eating well?  Poorly?  Will there be no fruit?  Do they even have seasonal workers helping on farms anymore? Food is safe right?  Is it?  Was it ever?  And that goes on and on and I work pretty constantly to calm myself as best I can.  To correct those "worst case" thoughts, but even just "less than worst case" thoughts are feeling constant right now.  I get my food order on Day X and I already worry that I won't get an order next week.  Before I've even unpacked.  Oh, and by the way, am I decontaminating properly?  Did I just spread virus all over everything?  I'll wash my hands again, of course, but... I mean, it's probably fine.  It really probably is.  But what if it's not?  And the packaging they use is wasteful.  This is horrible for the environment.  I feel awful and guilty.  I should just go into a store.  Use my own bags.  Suck it up... be tougher... get over the fear.  No, no, I'm *supposed* to get delivery if I can, I'm being *good*, this is what they want us to do.  Oh man, the store must be overwhelmed.  I feel so bad for the drivers and the delivery folks and am I wrong to be ordering online?  I should just go to a store.  I can't.  I can't go to a store.  I'm supposed to act as if I have it and can spread it.  And as if everyone has it and can spread it.  So... no, I'll stay home.  Unless I can't get an order in and then I'll starve?  No, I won't.  I have lots frozen I can eat and canned stuff and no way I'm starving, just... no way, nowhere near.  Ok, but what if?  What if it gets bad, like societal breakdown bad and I'm locked in my apartment because there are riots and, and... bad bad things happening and I have no food.  Because I ate it all, because I wasn't planning for worst case?  What if that?  And so on and so forth.  Fairly constantly.  Just with food.  (Nevermind the "regular" food stuff about health and weight and fitness and... all of that)  Now food is a big one right now for sure, but apply that ongoing fear chatter to... well, everything, and no, my anxiety is not "ok" right now.  It's just not.

And the harder part is I don't really have anyone being terribly helpful because I don't really believe anyone.  Everyone else (with the exception of Jason, honestly) is pretty damn sure this is all going to be ok.  Maybe scary, maybe sad, but ok.  And I don't know if anyone else is as worried and scared and terrified of all the things as I am.  And my parents are getting grocery pickup for now, and everyone else I know is just... shopping.  As far as I know.  And they maybe aren't even thinking about a broken supply chain or a... streets of rioters and being locked inside and HOLY F*CK I would also like to not have those thoughts.  But while it's easier for people to tell me to relax a bit about my other worries, it's not so easy to do it with this.  Because we're all in this.  And we've never done this before, so no one can really give me assurance I'll believe.

If you were telling me my (imaginary) breakup would hurt for a while but be ok, I'd be able to at least half believe you, because you'd gone through it before, and so had I and yeah, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.... but this?  This is new.  TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.  And so I have not, as yet, found a way to switch down my anxiety.  And I really would like to.  More than I'm able to say.


Jason Langlois said...

Honestly, this is my constant background stress but I'm working hard to remind my brain that it's not entirely rational to be that afraid and concerned. To continue to function, there's a level of tamping down those concerns and fears.

But it's not going to work for everyone...

Victoria said...

I hear that. Hugs.