Drained

I am exhausted right now.

I was talking to Jason about it, he's really the only person I talk to about these heavy things, but I was talking to him and through tears I said "I am so tired, and I don't know how people this is actually affecting are dealing with it.  I'm white, I'm not even in America, there is no protesting or police militarization in my city right now and I am so f*cking exhausted.  How?  How are they surviving?  Why am I so exhausted when it's not actually impacting me??"

Jason said he didn't know how the folks down there are surviving.  We guessed... adrenaline?  Stress response?  It's awful to think about.  And he suggested that maybe I'm tired because I'm sensitive and empathetic and "all this" gets to me and I at least try to understand and, well, I still feel guilty that I feel this drained when it's not me.

I feel selfish and self centered and like I'm failing as a human.

It feels lame to say "I'm very sad." when the air around me is not filled with tear gas.