Unrelated To The Heat

In addition to thinking back on my schooling, I've been thinking about my body.

I know, it's kind of awkward to talk about, but I'll babble a bit anyway...

Long story very short it's something that came up in counselling and how my body changed very quickly, I assume around puberty? and that I really didn't like the change (my breasts grew very suddenly and very large, especially on my small frame) and how I hid my body all through the rest of my youth and pretty much even still today.

A while ago, C-Dawg told me about someone she found on social media (Danae Mercer if you're interested) who talks about the reality behind the photos you tend to see from "social media influencers".  On her feed she shows herself posed and then relaxed and she talks openly about her cellulite and her food-bloating and I've really appreciated seeing her show how different her body looks depending on her posing and lighting and angles and all sorts of things.  It has really blown my mind to see her cellulite just... disappear from photo to photo all because of the pose/light/angles.  I really have appreciated seeing this and while it hasn't instantly made me love my body (I'm working on it) it has made me start to maybe look in the mirror a little differently.  I even secretly tried one of her "booty" poses in the mirror the other day and thought "hey, my legs look good!"

I don't follow any (that I know of) "influencers" on social media, but I know I've seen photos of women all over the place that have made me feel ugly or less than and I know I've not really ever been mentally kind to my body, especially in photos. 

It's just such a mentally complicated thing for me, and I'm sure for many others, men included, but I don't really want to find myself disliking my body for the rest of my life, especially knowing I am likely to look back and wish I'd "seen" things differently... like I've done lately with older photos of myself.

I said to Jason the other week that I felt terribly sad for the fact that I can't get my teens/twenties back and that I missed out on feeling attractive at that age.  Youth is valued highly in our culture, and I feel very much that I missed out on liking myself and liking how I looked during mine.  Again, I know that's common, but I also know there are a lot of people who did like themselves and do like how they look and even some who knew they were hot in highschool/university.  Or at least didn't think they were as hideous as I apparently did.

Sigh.