Tuesday, 6 October 2020

Barely Limping Along

 I may be harping on it a bit but the weekends these last few weeks have felt like the only times of even slight relief.  Because on the weekends, there's no chance of "bad" mail - no mail on weekends.  There's no chance of "bad" email or phone calls because the businesses or places that might make them are usually closed.  So as I white knuckled my way through the last month, I also crawled my way to the weekend for a tiny sigh of relief.

I need to get this anxiety and panic under control.  I'd love for it to be completely gone to be honest, but I am not sure how that would happen short of some experimental brain re-wiring surgery or something.  I know there are some things that fell to the wayside that likely contributed to things being so bad and one of them was acupuncture.

I went months without it during lock down/shut down and then was cautiously starting to have appointments again but then I got sick (cold from being stressed and run down) and had to cancel them (as you can't show up with any symptoms which is totally fine and reasonable) and so I went about a month without that helper to my system.

One of the hardest things emotionally was feeling like I had lost absolutely any faith in myself or anything at all - like I no longer felt I was capable.  Of anything.  It was incredibly unsettling.  I made an emergency (out of normal scheduled) appointment with my psychologist and I wish I could say it was more helpful, but at least I tried and we talked about things  I could talk about with my doctor so I guess that was helpful.  And my counsellor did his best to work me through this but I'd feel calm for the rest of that day and then lose it later or the next day.  I even had one day where I finally got in for some acupuncture and finally finally felt some calm in my system and then my brother called to talk about how things were going and after we hung up I had a panic attack (from talking???) so that felt like all the progress I'd made in the appointment was wiped out.  Which is probably not true or accurate but it sure felt that way.

In other news - related because it's happening right now and it has the ability to spin me into anxiety... this keyboard is all sorts of not fun these days.  If you see extra spaces in sentences it's because for whatever reason, especially when I'm typing here, they show up.  And the period key randomly sticks.  It's that "butterfly" keyboard Apple put out a couple of years ago and I think (hope!) has since pulled.  Mine got replaced once already and I haven't bothered bringing it in again, mainly due to Covid and the anxiety around going without a laptop for a week or so while they try to replicate the issue.  Anyway... just saying, I've had to backspace a number of times while typing this and I still can't be sure I caught all the random extra spaces so... sorry? 


Jason Langlois said...

I really feel what you're saying here.

And also really hate it when the keyboard acts up.

Victoria said...

I end. up typing things that. make me sound. like Shatner?

Jason Langlois said...

Oh... mygod. Things I didn't know I needed until I saw it written out, but you sounding like Shatner is now on that list.

Victoria said...

*dramatic pause while looking sideways just "off screen"*