Tuesday, 4 May 2021

Um, I Think I Broke

Honestly, I'm not sure I know how to "human" anymore.

And I feel like I'm too old to like relearn because people will notice?

A friend at [workplace] said we should get together for an outside tea and catch up and I kind of panicked.  I said something about oh not this weekend but yes for sure!  But I'm honestly freaking out.

I feel like I don't remember how to have that kind of a meet up anymore.  How do I hold conversation?  I feel ridiculously nervous about and it and honestly if I told her that she'd probably be totally understanding but you guys it feels so weird.

It's like the time off over the last number of years and really only spending time with Jason, with whom I have pretty intense conversations about all sorts of things, and then the pandemic in the last year or so... it's like I feel like I don't know how to talk about.... things?  I'm scared.

Yes, this is most likely "social anxiety" doing its thing but also .... lack of practice maybe?

I mean at [workplace] I can put on that sort of professional thing and be like OH YES HELLO FELLOW SPY HOW WAS YOUR THEFT OF DIAMONDS TODAY?

But that's not, you know, normal human interaction...


I mean I can probably ask about their life and family and stuff but when anyone asks me anything I have nothing at all to talk about.  Um... I haven't had a life in years?  I'm scared of Covid?  I'm volunteering part time at [workplace] but not doing much there to talk about?  OMG I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT OMG!

But I mean, do you want to talk about the state of the world?  How the neighbouring country has deteriorated lately?  Want to discuss what changes might be possible for police forces?  Supports for the homeless?  I might be able to, you know, carry on some convo around that because that's sharing feelings and opinions and thoughts.  I don't have a life to share.

I don't go anywhere or do anything.  I have no husband or children to talk about.  No hobby I'm currently pursuing.

I... watch shows, but most of them are old, repeats... comfort shows.  I don't know.  I don't think I have much to talk about and I don't think I can meet for ten minutes and then be like ok then bye!

I think, were this to happen (I'm not sure that it will... fucking anxiety and avoidance) I'd rely on hearing about this person's life and family and I'm sure it'd go well and be energizing and fun.

But damn if it doesn't feel weird.