In the Middle

I've found that with my mental health, I don't notice an issue when it starts, but if I'm lucky or paying attention or what have you, I can sometimes notice it's going on.... in the middle.

For example, I'm noticing that I'm kind of, well a little, or possibly more than a little.... avoiding medical stuff.

Sigh.

When I first got sick and went off work, my doctor had me coming in quite regularly.  I didn't love it, but it was ok - her office was easy to get to and I was familiar with the location and the staff and the doctor of course.  But it also started to be something I sort of resented (?) having to do because each appointment was kind of miserable.  She'd ask me her series of questions about anxiety/depression and I'm sorry it's just no fun telling another human how crap you feel.  And around that same time I was having to deal with all the paperwork and things that workplace needed and really, when you're not well, especially, I imagine, this kind of not well, all this stuff is too much.  

But I did it, and I kept doing it and it was years ago so I don't remember, but I assume when I saw her for those appointments I also talked about whatever else was going on and did regular checkups and things etc etc.

At some point, my doctor retired and there was a huge sigh of relief that she was able to find another doctor to take over her practice.

This new doctor moved locations into a place that stresses me out to get to and at some point in there, I started getting pretty panicky about going to the doctor.  For the first year or so I would actually ask Jason to take me, it was that much of a trigger for me.  After a while I figured I should probably try to push myself to go by myself and I did.  But every time there was a panic attack I'd have to push through and deal with.  And I guess somewhere within all these years part of me just started to not want to go to the doctor.

Which lately, has kind of turned into some avoidance.  Which sucks.  And has never been an issue for me before in my life.

Example?  My old doctor used to do a yearly physical.  They'd even call and say it was due and we'd book it and she'd do all the things, including the unpleasant but necessary ones and I'd check that off for another year.  When I asked the new doctor about a physical (it had been over a year due to the transition) she said that the billing system in the province had changed (or something) and doctors were no longer able to do that, so I'd just have to book an appointment to do X or Y or Z separately.

Which, I'm embarassed to say, means I haven't had "lady" checkups in, well, it must be years now.  And that's not ok.

I don't think I'm at a huge risk of... things, but it is always always better to check and know.  And I'm avoiding it.

I'm even avoiding the sexual health clinic which I could call and ask to do said checkups, I'm just... avoiding.  And that's an unusual one for me.

As of right now, I'm close to needing some prescriptions refilled, and I keep putting of calling to make an appointment to do so... and then I get anxious about the fact that her appointment times may not work with my current work times and then I'm having big anxiety about it and that is not when I feel like making the call so I write it down to do it another day and then I don't.  

Rinse and repeat.

I really don't like this feeling, by the way, of not wanting to deal with my doctor and my health.  I do not like it at all.  And I have a small hope, to be honest, that if I write about it here it will trigger me to do better or make some calls or SOMETHING... you know via guilt or something?

Sigh.

Doctor stuff is an anxiety trigger for me right now and I do not like that and I wish it hadn't gotten to this point.  Hopefully I won't keep pushing things for another time/day....