Grown Up Things

I was watching a show where a main character died, the day after I watched a show about how the majority of adult Canadians don't have a will and I realized the "free will" I threw together online years ago a) probably wasn't valid and b) should really be updated and so the next day I sat down to do my will.  (Dragon's Den featured a Canadian company that helps you make legal wills online.... I used that, or started to anyway.)

I... lost my sh*t.  Sobbing as I tried to answer all the questions.  I don't have anyone.  And while that makes will writing simple (no spouse, no children) it also was incredibly depressing for me.

Not only that (I mean it's not as if I really have anything to leave anyone.. no fortune hiding here) but it's really upsetting to think about whoever (most likely my brothers) having to deal with my death after I'm gone.

I've heard from a few people that being an executor of a will sucks.  And I've heard from people how much easier it was when someone pre-planned things, and so that's what my main intention was... to take the stress off of whoever is left once I'm gone.

But I don't want to go.  I don't want to die.  

And I don't want to not have much money and I don't want to not have a spouse or significant other and none of this is pleasant to think about or have to be grown up enough to deal with and so I haven't actually finished writing a will, and I think maybe I should go to a lawyer to do this, but I did call my oldest brother and ask him if he'd take care of things and then I told him a few things about my medical wishes and holy crap it's awful to talk about vegetative states and extreme measures and recussitation becuase I DO NOT WANT TO DIE OR BE OLD AND SICK OR INJURED OR ANY OF THESE THINGS.

Sigh.

I think maybe a part of why the majority of Canadian adults don't have a will is because it's so heavily upsetting and sad and depressing to talk about it.

And for me, it's sad to have realized that there isn't anyone in my life who's close enough to me to know what I want/don't want were I to be incapacitated (in a coma sort of thing) tomorrow.

Sigh.

I wish we didn't have to die.  But, like, I understand that's not... how it works.  (Or viable as an option.)