Struggles

I feel like I just keep struggling.

Which, to me, suggests it's a mindset thing.  Especially since when I'm able to sort of do a "big picture" look at my day to day, I'm ok. 

And I mean as I type it "mindset thing" that's kind of like a "well DUH Victoria!" thing to say (like hello, you have some diagnosed anxiety and depression mental health issues/concerns and so of COURSE the struggling you feel is related to your mind) but like it FEELS external, you know?

I talk a lot to Jason, and I recognize some of the things I feel the need to talk about over and over.  My current lack of creativity.  My frustration with feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything (mainly in the creative realm).  My reaching for something I can't grasp.  My anger at myself for the lack of effort.  My wanting to be gentle with myself and understanding that sometimes the effort is just too much.  Sigh.

I have anxiety around the same things for sure.  Money as an example is a big trigger for me.  May always be.  (I'd be happy to have a massive income and windfall to test this theory though!)  I really hate being in debt and I feel like I have no control over my income and therefore my life or well being.  And I mean I hear that control is an illusion and all that jazz but anxiety specializes in creating excessive stress around things.  I don't know how to let that go.

I'm ok, but I'm not big OK.  (Unable to word that any better.)  The world I knew in 2019 essentially disappearing while still existing certainly doesn't add to my feelings of safety or well being.  I could go on and on about the things that stress me but it would stress me out and I'm trying to write.  Sigh.

I dunno man... I just don't like feeling how I feel a lot of the time.