Hallowed

I write this on all Hallow's Eve - Hallowe'en.... Samhain.  A time when some believe the veil between this world and the other is thinned.  A time when we recognize and acknowledge spirits of those gone past.

Like Jay.

There is a strange missing for this human that I once knew so very well, who shared my home and my bed and my heart and life.  We had not spoken in years and the suddenness of his passing still shocks me.  I have a hard time with him no longer being alive, even though he was not in my life directly.

I have spent the last two or so weeks checking in on him and his situation - waiting for updates and news.  So he has very much been on my mind recently.  And he still is, just now he's not in this existence.  He's gone.  Dead.  I still love him, I still care about him, I wish I could connect and chat with him, but he's not here anymore.

I do not think my messages that I sent reached him in time.  I likely will never know.  The message I sent over social media was never marked "read".  The letter I sent did not have a postal code (I got the incomplete address from a FB event that never happened) so would have either taken longer to arrive or perhaps not arrived at all.  I do not know if he saw or read or heard what I wanted to say to him... thank you.

That hurts me.  Having missed a chance to connect.  But maybe my letter made it.  Maybe it was read to him.  Maybe he knew.  

Jay is not the only person who is no longer here in my life, but his loss is current.  Raw.  Fresh.  

I'm not certain of what happens after death and this blog is not the place for me to air those thoughts, but I hope that if the veil is thin that Jay can see and feel how much so many of us cared for him, imperfections and all.

My sadness is at the surface.  Reading a book in bed last night and a character had to leave her dog and I sobbed and sobbed.  Everything hurts just a little bit more right now and that's an honouring of my love for Jay and the loss of his life and the pain he has just been through.

They said in his obituary that he was not sad for missing things in life - that he felt he had lived a good life and was ok with dying, but that he was sad for the small things... holding his wife's hand on the porch, fixing an old vehicle, sailing his small boat... that broke my heart all over again.

If the date today allows me to be close enough to "speak" to those I've lost, I hope they know how much I love them and how much I appreciated the time we shared together in life.

Happy Hallowe'en my friends, thank you for being here in whatever way you are.