Life Is

My grief around Jay really comes and goes.  When it hits it's heavy and difficult.  And then I'll go for a long while without thinking about him at all and then it'll either start sliding back into my awareness, or it'll directly jump back out at me.  

I check for updates fairly regularly.  That's in part due to my (unhealthy) habits around social media and being online and in part a part of me trying to soothe the anxiety around not knowing and not being there or aware, I don't know.

I am reminded that this sort of thing is happening to untold numbers of people day in day out.  Perhaps there is someone in a strangely similar situation somewhere else in the world.  Or not.  Perhaps Jay's situation is singularly unique.

We had a lot happening here this weekend.  We had a municipal election.  And then we had a pretty rough wildfire smoke day.  It's funny (not amusing) because I remember several years ago going to a parade in the summer and everything was tinted orange.  I got some very unusual pictures that day (probably have posted some here over the years).  I can't forget that orange haze tint.  But this time has been different and I'm not in possession of enough knowing to explain why (someone out there can though.)  There is a slight haze of orange, but not like the time I'm thinking of.  But I'm finding this go around much more difficult to handle.  So did I just power through last time?  Was I healthier/younger and so not as bothered?  

But also it's wasn't just me struggling with this this weekend so was there something atmospherically different that made the less visually impactful smoke situation physically more difficult?

Life goes on, doesn't it.  Despite terminal illnesses and deaths and all the tragedies big and small that halt one person's ability to move, breathe, live, etc.

I should go.  I'm typing this next to my open window and my head's starting to hurt.  From the smoke.  That I can't quite smell, but could smell in the shower when I went to wash my hair.  From the smoke I can't quite see but that's leaving ashy deposits everywhere.