Seems Reasonable I Suppose

I'm a little all over the place.  Or... take away the qualifier and I'm all over the place.

Which... all things considered seems reasonable.  I went to visit Jason the other day and I was not in a particularly good mood and told him so.  I said "it's not that I'm upset about Jay but I do want to talk about it" and then I went on to explain the latest update and how he and his partner had flown to Hawaii to get married and then he'd had a bad turn and now was being medi vac'd back to Canada and that the update included his current state and as I was talking and talking about it this small voice in my head said "maybe you actually really are upset about it.... and that's ok".

I think if I'm honest (and realistic) going through this grieving process over the loss of Jay and his deterioration and all the rest has impacted me.  But in sort of unusual ways.

It's shaken me up to rethink some things in my life and choices I've made to date.  It's made me reevaluate what "being alive" means and might look like and how I feel about those I love and care about. 

I'm terribly sad when my mind goes to thinking about him, but it's not a depression sort of feeling.  Do I see signs of depression around me right now?  Sort of.  Right now it seems focussed on how much I dislike my body and looks right now, which seems pretty petty when someone I loved is dying, and not likely caring an ounce about his looks.  But the thoughts are there for me - the "I hate my this and that" and they certainly drag me down.

I thought about making some art with Jay in mind this weekend but the only thing I felt was that I wanted to punch through the canvas so I figure I'm in the anger phase of grief.  Not that it's a linear process, or even circular for that matter.  

For now, I've let go of what was a strong need to say goodbye to Jay.  I know that may not happen, but I have tried.  And I don't feel like pushing any more, I'll just try to trust that things got to him in time and he heard my message and thanks and that it filled his heart even just a little.  I don't have evidence of that but that's what I'm choosing to believe for now.

So I'm not in the best state, which might be true even if nothing was going on with Jay, but I think it's reasonable to surmise that what's going on with Jay is impacting me and that I'm not entirely aware of how that impact is.... impacting.  (She says, not making words make good noises)