Photos

When I found out that Jay was terminally ill, I went into my photos to find the photos of him I had from our time together.

They weren't there.

As in, there was an album in (Apple) Photos with his name on them but no photos of him in there.  Photos of other things, but not him.

I was devastated.

There is a possibility that I, when upset one day, deleted them all, but that doesn't explain the not-Jay photos in the album.

There is a possibility that Apple, in one of it's endless "upgrades" goofed up like it did with the transfer of iTunes to Music (all of my playlists were deleted... all of them.  I'm choked.)

There is also a slim possibility that I removed all of the photos and kept them.  I know I did this with Max's photos - they live on an external hard drive.  It's possible there's a file of photos of Jay there too.  But I haven't looked.

I haven't looked because as long as I don't look, they might be there.  If I look and they're not there then they're gone.  And I can't handle the idea that all of my photos of Jay might be gone.  Photos and videos.  I remember one specifically of him swinging on a swing and jumping off.  That video may be gone.  Just like him.  Forever.

So I haven't looked.

(Maybe I will once things are less fresh and raw for me.  I hope they're there.  Lesson to me... don't delete photos.  And back systems up.  Which... to be fair, Jason says he made a backup of my old system so you know, maybe those photos do exist digitally, but I feel like they don't.)